Notes on being santa

I carefully wrapped all the gifts for the kids. Each had their own type of paper. (I was quite proud of myself for making sure that the same paaper did not appear on the gifts that were not from Santa.) We put them out after the kids had gone to bed and in the morning said the gifts and the stockings full of gifts were from Santa. After these heaps of gifts had been had been opened, we all paused. I then suggested we open the gifts under the tree that Pops, Granny and I had gotten for each other. At first Ki was bored, and then seemed irritated. Finally, she exploded with her frustration,
"How come you didn't give me any presents, only Santa did!"
Ooop.

Rub-a-dub-dub, Three in the tub

AJ, Ki and I have been all taking a bath together for some time now. It is a sweet time to chat, play and catch up on everyone’s day. (I realize it is not for the body conscious family, but it has worked for us). I can vouch that we are saving an amazing amount of water with this “family bath” format. But unfortunately, the kids are getting bigger, and alas, so am I. Despite the roomy oval shaped tub, it is now a tight fit. We align ourselves in the head-to-tail arrangement found in a can of sardines. Just prior to the end of the bath we rearrange sitting up in a straight line and do our mock toboggan sled race. In addition to getting larger, they are also getting older, and, sadly, I wonder if it is time to pull the plug on this family plan.
For awhile it was confusing as to who needed to wash their vagina and who needed to wash their penis. AJ kept declaring he had a vagina. Something I hoped he wouldn’t go public with. Vagina envy is not as widely accepted as the alternative.
Pubic hair has proved to be of only occasional mild interest, as are my breasts-which seem to be old news. However, the fun of rolling & pushing around my fat belly and placing small items in the pond formed by my belly button has provided endless fun.
I thought we had all the body parts appropriately named and understood. But a recent trio bath proved otherwise. I was having my period and forgot about this prior to entering the tub. Suddenly, AJ declared, “Mama, why do you have a string coming out of your penis?”. Wow, where to begin to answer. Perhaps it is not yet time to end the family scrub sessions.

A.J. on vacationing

Mommy, can we go the Tiger Woods?

When people ask, "How are you?"

It's a common question.
Lately, I have to pause before I respond and say to myself, "Do they really want to know the answer to that question?". Because, if the anwer is truly "yes", then pull up a seat baby and sit on down. This is gonna take awhile.

...work...good...enjoy it...have some openings I need to fill

...AJ...I am worried...continued escalating behaviors...hitting, me and others...hit 2 kids at school...threatening language..rage...throwing things...slamming doors...is he in the process losing all self esteem...scares Ki...need to pursue a complete eval of this for him...scares me...makes me sad...in the heeated moments sucks my energy and fuels my rage

...Ki...so bright and imaginative...but socially fragile...still no real friends...often wines and cries and makes me crazed with this behavior...coupled with the above behavior from AJ...but truly-such a joy

...in concert with the dementia of Granny (living with us) who can ask the same question 4 or 5 times in a half hour....realizing it is the repetition of the repetition that makes me nuts...she often sets of the kids (who can be easy to set off) and she is no longer able to process or reason fully the signals to prevent this... an evening, let alone a full day with the 3 of them can leave me shaking with agitation...her condo is in escrow...all new to me...phone calls, faxes bla bla...need to get and meet with financial planner and lawyer...chest CT scan confirmed COPD (emphesyma, due to 20+ years of heavy smoking)...also a suspicious nodule in the lung...too small to know for sure what it is...too small to really evaluate further...could be cancer...a second opinion tomarrow at the "chest Clinic"...she can't remember the date, she shouldn't have to remember this...

my kitchen is a mess...living room is a mess...office is a mess...bedroom is a mess...I think it is a reflection of my mental status...scattered, uncomfortable, confused...

Where is the pause button on this life?

I am Special

SEPTAR
The name for the new special Ed PTA we formed. Special Education Parent Teacher Association of Realcity.
This is made up of a group of women-who-do-too-much. You know: the ones who always volunteer, the ones who also work, most everyone has at least 2 kids, many of us with 2 or more kids receiving services and/or other kids who are “sensitive souls”. Our husbands are the ones who called out after us as we ran out the door for the planning meeting, “Do Not take on another thing!” But we did anyway. But I think the payback will be good. We want to have scheduled times for support for us as mothers and parents. We want to better educate the staff, at all levels, who work with our kids. We want special Ed staff in this district to feel supported. These ideas and aspirations directly serve us and our kids.

I am honored, motivated, scared, touched and overwhelmed at being directed toward the position of "President" for this group. Good leaders have good backers and this is a group to be reckoned with.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas tree

Last night we watched the move Polar Express with Pops, Granny and the kids. I love that movie. It visually captures the magical essence of Santa and Christmas.
Today Pops, the kids and doggie went and chopped down the Christmas tree. I had convinced myslef it would be a mudbath in a down pour-not so. So a nice surprise. Ki is constantly singing Xmas songs. She is happy to sing outloud to her holiday self and is completely unaware that the rest of the shoppers in the store are within earshot. Such sweet, happy moments with this lack of concern for others opinions and the joy of singing just for singings sake.
I love this age where they are so into Santa and the magic of Christmas.

Those "special" friendships

The one problem with having girlfriends whose kid(s) also have special needs is that when you are really having a shitty time, you can pretty much guarantee they are too. We take solace in the fact that our shitty times are different from house to house. And of course worse or better at varying times. How nice it is to have relationships where you can share the insanity and look for support, but not be playing one upsmanship (sp??). And our families, they come up with some wild stuff.

Note to self

Remember NOT to ask your child to go get pajamas and start a bath and then 5 min later ask her if she wants to play a video game... lots of water in the bathroom.

You're Invited!

I kinda resent when I get an evite addressed to me and then when I open it, it is for one of those home based businesses someone is doing now.They didn't invite me over ever before...

Thanksgiving

well it s now long past Thanksgiving. Butan update. Last year, and prior to that, I have been frenetic the day of running around cooking .lunch, dinner, setting the table. I ahve became the cooking matriarch of this unusal bunch of family that joins together just a few times a year. The cast:
Aunt M: coming in at the oldest 96, I think, and still living alone (She goes to church everyday, never married or had kids...makes ya wonder). Sharp as a tac, but wobbly and hearing impaired.
E and E: married: some cousin twice removed or something, ages approx 82 and 72. He just had a knee replaced and took a tumble down the front porch after dinner, seemed fine.
My Mom: nearly 81. Spry, but memory challanged.
The General: Pop's Dad. The guy who takes being called The General a compliment, and he is not in the military- age 70.
Cousin L: also twice removed or something. Age 60. Fun to be with.
Cousin C: aged 67 or so. Her Mom married somebodies Dad or brother somewhere along the way.
Uncle J: Pops brother, coming in as the youngest adult at 37. Never married, pathologically shy.
My kids ages 5 and newly, 8.
Me and Pops.
Some of them have kids, but do not see them at holidays, if at all. Others never married. It really is a bit like a sit com.
So this is why a the age of 43 I have become the holiday matriarch. I am the only female with house large enough etc etc. APops house is huge as all get out. for some unknown reason. But it is better to have the kids here and to be in a decorated house and cook with my own stuff.
so this year I was smarter and i did lots the night before. said no more to cooking lunch AND dinner. Put out appetizers to snack on all day that didn't require cooking. And frankly, this crowd are not fancy eaters. So dinner was not wacky fancy. we ate: brined turkey, real mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, stuffing with cranberreis and walnuts, fresh and canned cranberry sauce. Ki made pumpkin pie with Pops and AJ and made and apple crisp. Others brought drinks, bread and salad. It was a good meal and I didn't feel psycho!
So

SPED PTA

Working to get Special Ed PTA started. Thank goodness for friends who take the bull by the horns and push to rally get it up and going. My procrasinating style and busy life are not a good match for working on things when I don't have a deadline. We are meeting tomarrow for 2 hours! We are a group of women with good ideas, a variety of incredible skills & strengths and balls of steel. The thing that feels so good is that this not going to be a passing idea or comittment. These are women who are out to make a difference. We join together to make a difference for our kids, each others kids and all kids in this district.

Today

Spent the afternoon with AJ. Pops had a client give him 2 tickets to the StaFford game at 12:30 today. AJ and I had a nice time. We drove to Paly and parked and walked in. AJ ate a hotdog, soda, frozen lemonade and dots ice cream. Tickets were free-food was of course, an investment. We lasted until after halftime and then we walked around the stadium and toward the car. I had such a nice time with my boy. He loves sports and appropriately called out, "It's a touchback!" at one point. I feel happy that he has such an interest in sports and follows the games of baseball and football well enough to watch and enjoy. They are such socially acceptable hobbies. He said his favorite part of the game was watching Stafford score a touchdown.

Sensory Integration Dysfunction and Football

Tonight we were all watching football at our house. AJ (MY SON AKA AS A., WHICH I AM FINDING IS ANnOYING TO TYPE SO HENCE FORTH TO BE KNOWN AS AJ).
Anyway, AJ kept saying, "I wanna play football." I kept cringing at the thought and avoided commenting in return. My husband said, "Well we can always go outside and play."
Just then there was a play in the game where one of the offensive players was hit hard by a guy who came out of nowhere and slammed him up into the air and straight into the ground. Aha I thought! I can use this as a "teaching moment."
"AJ watch the replay. See what happened to him? Doesn't that look like it hurt? Would you want to have that happen?"
AJ, "YEAH!"
What was I thinking? I have a kid who has sensory integration disorder and is a sensory seeker. I drink coffee in the morning. He enjoys running into and bouncing off walls as a good start to his day. In his eyes, football must look like Heaven's idea of exercise.

If you've ever wanted to crawl in the closet with an oreo

"If you've ever wanted to crawl in the closet with an oreo...Tips for parenting a child with special needs"

A book I just bought. Gotta love that title.

Oooo Baby!

I went to my kids Halloween Parade at school. My sons seemingly quite gay Inclusion Specialist came dressed in drag. It was hillarious. Huge platform white boots. An all black and white outfit with fake fur coat and sequined top. Topped off by a long blonde wig. He was tremendous. I'l try to post pic. Only in the Bay Area does your kids Inclusion Specialist show up in drag.

I think

I think the part of it that is such a pisser is that it seems endless at times.

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Lately I feel perpetually quite irritated. The kids fight and push and kick. Pretty much every day A. has a behavioral blow out. Everyday. No, it is not okay to yell "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT" to your mother. Especially not on a regular basis. If he is not doing that he is amking loud screamy funky sounds that peirce my ears and make me nuts. His attention is so bad I have to tell himn to do things multiple times.
I am amazed at how poor Mom's memory is. She can ask the same question 5 min later and, upon hearing the same anwer, have no recall that this is a repeat experience. I've given up conversing with her. There can be no assumed history in the conversation, no prior understanding or experience. She can't really consistently ask questions and follow up on something I bring up. There is like a cummulative effect. If we weren't together 24/7 it wouldn't bug me so much. But b/c we are, it makes me acidic.
Pops is irritated with me b/c the house is a mess and out of control. Which is true. Part of me would rather escape and work all day to get away from kids and Mom and the messy house.
There are many things I don't like about my life right now. And I feel like an ungrateful bitch for writing that. I have 3 bedroom house, housecleaners (who work around the piles of crap), my Mom who does laundry and dishes, a great job, great pets, some great friends. But some days and weeks all I want to do is either sleep, eat or drink coffee-one of my 3 addictions. I just get fatter and feel so ugly. Then I think I just need to get a fucking grip here. Many people, including many of my friends, have it harder then me. piss piss piss

PJ Dunes

I am at PJ Dunes-at a condo at the beach. A lovely 3 bedroom, window filled place owned by a friend of mine.
I drove down yesterday late afternoon with the kids and Grandma (my Mom, one and the same). We arrived, unloaded the car and headed down to the beach. A. raced around the beach doing wind sprints. His activity was reminiscent of a kenneled puppy released to play in a field. It goes without saying that even The similarity between he a puppy continued as he soaked himself in the low surf and rolled in the sand. Ki enjoyed playing in a huge hole surrounded by sand turets. Her castle. She assigned me and Grandma the roles of Knights and Alex as the bad Dragon. She said she would be in the castle "doing her paperwork". I asked who she was. "I'm the King." I should've known there would be no damsel in distress here.

When was the last time the real estate market tanked?

Per the news- 1990. Oh joy, it is again tanking now that we are trying to sell Mom's condo. At the moment it seems fitting.

A good day as a therapist

None of my clients, all 2 years old, busted out the "Bye Bye" Song before the end of the session.

No rental for you if you are an illegal immigrant

Escondido, CA. is one of the neighboring cities to the town I grew up in in So CA. It use to be "out in the middle of no where". There are a fair amount of avacado ranches there.
The sparkling citizens there just passed a law that landlords cannot rent to illegal immigrants. i.e., one must show proof of residency prior to being ALLOWED to rent. If someone rents to an illegal alien-they can be punished.
This shocks me.

hey I have new blog outfit

I like the new look I chose here. I think it looks like me.

Calm

I should be feeling the calm. I am trying. I just did that last post and am still feeling wound up.
The irony of it is where I am at the moment-10:15 on the same night.
Pops is at a conference locally. He had a dinner meeting tonight (SAT) and a course at 8 am tomorrow. So he made reservations at the hotel associated with the conference. The best part is that work pays for it. I told him - well I'll head down Sat night and join you. I really had no idea where he was staying.
So I left the insanity of my home and thrived on the solo drive here.
And here I am enjoying my alone time... on the 18th floor of a Hilton Hotel. I need my special key to "get up to the towers"-this is the top floor. I had a bath and the bath products they have are one of my favorites, Le Source by Crabtree and Evelyn. So I am clean and I smell great. I am wearing the Hilton white robe and have secured a spot sandwiched between the down comforter and the feather bed. There is some complimentary suite with drinks-free soda for me thank you-and desserts. Okay, well the desserts were gone already. But it looks like there is going to be breakfast with Starbuck's coffee 10 feet from my room in the am. Not bad eh? I won't be rushing out in the am. My kids will watch endless TV from 7 am until I get home. But perhaps I'll be a bit saner then.

A mixed day

I spent a lot of the day in bed. Sleeping and hiding from reality. A. Is ranting and raving and flying off the handle. You have to experience it to truly appreciate it. I must have asked him a billion times to get dressed. The thing that is so frustrating is that he is capable of doing this. He gets so distracted and loses track of what he is doing. But there is also a good portion of that which is motivation and interest. Ki is often whining. I lost it today. I was so angry and so over the edge. I didn't go to Ki's soccer game-for which I am assistant coach and the other coach is pregnant. I had Mom take her. Not something I would typically do.
Then there is Mom who is so very often repeating herself. Then A. blows up at her, he knows he has already answered the same question 3 times in 10 minutes-and here it is again!

I am the mediator. When Pops comes home cranky. He is cranky to me, then cranky to my Mom and I have to mediate that.
I mediate Mom and the kids. She unknowingly sets them off.
I break up many negative interactions (and fights) daily. At the end of the day there is no escape, no where to go.
Mom kept saying to me today, "Judy, do you feel alright?"
I want to yell, "Other than feeling fucking nuts, I feel fine".

Ahhh

Now, there are not a lot of comments coming in. But I am becoming more aware of more people who do read, but in that they are not bloggers themselves-they don't comment. Nice to know I am entertaining a few lurkers out there.

A nice day today. Some lovely things that made me feel ... well I'm not sure what the word would be. "Loved" comes to mind-but I don't feel "unloved". Someone else can pick the adjective. Anyway...

I got a card in the mail from a Mom whose child I evaluated many months ago. This mother of three young kids took the time to write. That alone is meaningful!! She wrote, ..."I wanted to say thank you for your help and guidance with my son. ...Thank you for your knowledge and helping me get my boy on the right track. I will always be so grateful".
Made me feel warm and fuzzy and was a reminder to express the gratitude I often feel-but don't take the time to express.

I was invited to a small celebration by a friend who is relatively new in my life. I have always admired her worldliness, intelligence, sense of community and incredible diversity of skills. When she announced at the gathering that the guests (including myself) are among the people she admires most in her world-I nearly fell out of my chair. It was such an honor to be described like that in HER eyes. Someone I think so highly of. Plus I had a great time and ate some great food!

One of the guests at above celebration, another wordly, wildly intelligent kick-ass gal asked me, "Are you writer?" "Your quick wit and manner made me think you were a writer." My friend above is a writer-so I think she thought that was our connection. Such a compliment!

I got an evite for a clients 3rd b-day. Only 3 or 4 other families and me and my kids. Such a compliment to how they view me in their child's life. Also, that they readily accept having Big A. around.

Now, time to climb in bed with my dear hubby and cubby brown dog.

OOPPSS

Tired me and crazy computer-I just published mid sentence. I go to where I left off...
SHE DOES ALL THE DISHES AND LAUNDRY. And she picks up/takes kids to school a few times a week. Always on T TH afternoons when I am working. I don't know how I'd get by with out her.
The hardest time of day is the early evenings and evenings we are all here together. Guaranteed if I try to get A. to do homework there is screaming, yelling, door slamming and related such fun on his part. All of which is directed at me. Later I am short fused and Mom is pacing and watching me in the kitchen repeatedly asking if there is something she can do, and sipping her sherry. Ki gets clingy and whinny and then Pops comes home-often grumpy after a 10 hour work day. I become the translator between the members of the group, and I am bugged by them all. I can't get the kids to bed soon enough and usually it is later than it should be. I relish the thought of hiding behind my computer doing email, work and blogging. Or watching TV or reading in my cozy bed snuggling with sleeping Al. When I am really ready to check out I go to sleep with 1 or the other (or both) of the kids.
Ki said the other day. "Mommy, I haven't really made any friends at school, and I wanted to. I feel kinda sad."
Two weeks ago A. said, "Mama, I think I have dyslexia (or his pronunciation)."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it is hard for me to read words."
Last week kids and granny and I were out for dinner. I took kids to the bathroom. When we came out Granny was at the front of the restaurant. Granny said when we were driving home. "Amiga (me), I don't know if I paid the bill. I really am losing it. Don't leave me alone. I can't be trusted."
Now I feel sad too.
So much to keep up with in life...

Sleepy and Awake

I am tired (12:40 am) but had hot chocolate, a bit of coffee and a nap today. So I've just climbed out of bed where I was unable to sleep despite successfully wrestling for a spot in the bed amongst hubby and the dog.
I am disappointed I've not written more lately. Brief life update:
Hubby took me away for the night on our 10th anniversary. We had dinner and spent the night in the 100 year old Olema Inn where we had our wedding reception. It was so lovely to visit there and the various sites where we had our rehearsal dinner (Manka's of Inverness), the ceremony (Old St Mary's Church, Nicassio) and reception (Olema Inn, Olema). We had not been back since the wedding. We strolled around Pt Reyes a bit and took our time coming home the next day.
Granny is still living with us. I seem unable to move forward with stuff (calling lawyers, MD appts etc). Her condo is getting closer to being ready to put on the market ( windows replaced and now waiting for the painter to go in, followed by new carpet). She has a cold. Previously this rolled to pnumonia or bd bronchitis. mmmmm She makes me nuts and I don't know how we'd get by without her. She does ALL THE LAUNDRY AND DI

This video is hillarious

OH MY! This is something else. See video below. I'd love to say I dug it up-but it was my friend Squid. For those of you who don't read her blog-enjoy it here.

ipad

funniest video

I am a pissy bitch

I am BUGGED, CRAZY BUGGED, by my kids who fight fight and fight and don't listen. I yell and scream and hate that and want them to go to bed. I threaten to spank them. My Mom just keeps repeating herself and hanging over my shoulder and that makes me f*(^&*)g nuts. There are battles everyday with A and his behavior-yelling, hitting, slamming doors, calling names. I feel agitated. I can't really escape b/c my Mom is here in the living room.AAAAHAH

The Perfect Gift

Pops and I will have been married for ten years soon. I think I have found the perfect gift for him and I am so excited I could spit.If I can ever figure out how to post a pic, I will.

School Tears

This am A. didn't want to go to school. He said he had a sore throat. Eventually there were tears and remarks about how handwriting is to hard and it makes his hand hurt. He was visibly anxious at school. We spoke to teacher briefly-he did not want to talk to the teacher initially. She said he could do other things during writing-or do it orally w/ aide. Poor peanut. His tears bring me tears and concerns about the future in school.

Dear Husband

I just came home form running an errand and my dear husband is teaching my Mom how to play bridge on the computer.

Bed, Bed, whose bed is this?

Now that granny is living with us for a bit, we gave her the kids room and put the kids in with us. There is plenty of room. But still the bed roulette continues. I am surprisingly use to the madness of it.

The nightly routine:
7:45 pm Ki goes to sleep in grannies bed. She can't go to sleep in the same room as A. b/c he snorts, screeches or sings as part of his wind down to sleep and she goes nuts. Or of course he teases her about liking princesses.
8:15 pm A. goes to sleep in my and Pops bed. He prefers it.
10 pm. Granny is ready for bed. I go and get Ki out of Granny's bed and carry her to her futon bed in our room.
11 pm. Pops goes to bed and moves A. to his bed, also in our room.
11:30 I climb into bed with Pops.
1 am. I have been waking to 1 of 2 possible scenarios:

1. Ki whimpering in the bathroom. I get out of bed and hunt her down in the bathroom, sitting on the rug.
"Ki, what's wrong!?"
She sobs, "My blankets are messed up." Why that landed her in the bathroom is unclear.
I carry her back to her bed and realize the reason the blankets are messed up is b/c they are wadded up at the foot of the bed and are being anchored down by our snoring 65-pound lab.
"There's a dog in my bed!!!!" (As if it were a new dog).
"Oh, SiSi loves you and wants to cuddle!"
"NOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH SISI!!!!!!!!!!"
I pull the nearly comatose dog onto the floor, "Okay Brown, come sleep over here." This was repeated the following night. It was then that I realized I needed to find Sisi a place that was more desirable to sleep on then Ki's futon bed. mmmmm I pulled her dog bed onto the floor and put her blanket on it. One more obstacle to occasionally trip over. However, an occasional trip will beat out the nightly whimper concert from the bathroom.

2. While fully asleep I am awakened by, "Mommie, can I sleep in your bed?". Lying on my side I open 1 eye to find myself face-to-face with Ki, who is already pulling on the lower sheet to gain momentum and swing into our elevated bed.
"No!" I throw out before I realize the small face will crumble in response. It is just that I know that if I let her in once, she will expect to spend every night there from 1 am on, and I will physically suffocate stuffed between her and Pops.
"Well, how about I take you back to your bed (6 feet away) and sit a bit."
"Okay!"
I carry Ki to the futon bed (a futon folded in half on the floor) and I climb in. Only now do I fully realize the "bed" is only about 5 Ft long and I am forced to contort to fit in with pillow and all. I fall asleep anyway. At 3 am I wake up stiff and stumble back to my bed.

I'm headed to bed now. Here's to sleeping in the same bed, just with Pops, all night long....

First day

Pops went early and took A for his first day. I went a bit later to go to greeting coffee and take Ki to kinder orientation hour. Ki and I had picked out her outfit the night before. But somehow morning of we could not find the beloved new brown and blue Kangaroo tennis shoes. She had to wear purple Crocs-which matched. Then she wanted to wear her SF Giants coat (a baseball hand-me down from her brother). I couldn't find it (didn't look to hard, may have hidden it if I did find it). "Well, I can't find it, and we'll be inside" I declared.
"That's okay Mommie, I'll wear this one." She rips out of the closet a 2 generation hand me down grey hooded sweatshirt with "basketball" across the front.
"Oh...uh, well let's put that in your backpack and you can get it out later if you need to."
I arrive at Raincloud school and try to maintain the I-am-comfy-here look. It is like being the new kid at school myself. Lots of well dressed women greeting one another and hugging. Not a lot of sweats and jeans here. I turn around and really look at my daughter the for the first time since we've arrived and she is wearing the sweatshirt. I wander over to table with the coffee and I spot this Mom and twins that were in daycare with Ki 3 years ago.
I say,"Oh, Hi Karen! Our girls are in the same class!. Ki, you probably won't remember, but this is Karen.
She says, "Oh actually, I go by "Mrs. _________" at school."

WHAT????? I don't know anyone who goes by "Mrs._____________."
I retreated to the playground with Ki to try and take a breath and overcome that. I have never felt comfortable around that woman. There is something condescending or righteous in her interactions at times. Oh joy, we're in the same class!
I made little small talk with others and walked into Mrs Junes class with Ki. (I should mention I do know a few great families here, and I have met some other women who seem nice.)
The teacher and class structure, materials, plans etc were quite impressive. I've heard great things about this teacher. It will be a good year for Ki. She is a bright and curious girl. Hopefully, she'll be able to reach out and make some friends.
The teacher had mentioned that they don't need any supplies brought in for the kids, they have everything. What they want to do, as they have done in the past, is to have parents donate money toward having the field trips come to us. (Busing is expensive and there is only one bus, driving is hard because of carseats and short day etc). So if we could donate money, in addition to the $500 each class gets from PTA, that would be great. Well that sounds reasonable and good!
So I later go to sign up sheets. I have in mind to be a volunteer, but not coordinator, for Art in Action. Sure enough, "Mrs _______" has signed up as coordinator. For some reason she signed first and last name and not Mrs._______. Oh, %&%#&* I say to myself. I end up signing up anyway. I'll be the bigger person here and not let her irk me. This is what I want to do and Fridays is the day I have available.
I look over at the "field trip" donations sheets for these 2 kinder classes only. They read:

I can pay for the FULL $150.00 cost for Museum X visit.
__________________________ (parent signature)
(There are a few of these with similar or greater amounts listed)

or

I can pay for PARTIAL cost of $500.00 Bug Museum visit:

__________________________(parent signature)
___________________ (amount parent to donate)

I am shocked to read continued donations of nothing under $100. People are signing up and putting big numbers next to their names. And for all the world to see. This seems wrong to me in so many ways. You get it-I don't need to write them out. Oh-I didn't mention that each family is requested to donate $200 per kid at the school. That I get and they can't make you donate, or you can donate what you can. I get that a good public education is no longer free. But this public listing thing makes me grind my teeth! I didn't sign up. I don't want to cough up a big chunk of money just because "everyone else is" and hence acquiesce to this public display. I'm thinking of giving a check to support in amount I am comfortable with, and not put my name down-but just hand it to the teacher. mmmmmmmmm

Ki and I leave and I excitedly speed over to Bea's house. She is throwing a Mimosa Bash for Mom's for the first day of school. All of us are "special" moms and I look forward to spending time in the comfort of my tribe.

The First Day

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Ki enters kindergarten and A. will be in second grade. We've transferred A. to our home school-so he and Ki will be together. I am a bit anxious, as I always am, about entering community situations with "typical" kids and families. Also, the families in this area tend to be wealthy. That with my own insecurities and my atypical family tends to make me shut down socially. But I have been trying to gear myself up so I don't end up shutting myself out-as I did at Iron Gate. Many of the kinder families will be new to the school-so that is good. I already really put my head out there and volunteered to take a position on the PTA board. Should be interesting. Tomorrow there is a meet and greet coffee. I am going to go to that. Some of the best news is that many of those my "special family" will be at Raincloud school,too. That is b/c the special ed day class for kindergarten is there. So Leelo, Maximilian, Ditto and their fabulous families will be there. Oooh Yeah! There are a few other families I know as well. Pops and I went to the school with the kids today to find their classrooms. Both kids brought their new backpacks. A. Is a bit obsessed with pushing and pulling things (suitcases, wagons, grocery carts etc), so the new Spiderman backpack on wheels is heavenly. He took off walking it around the school and wasn't seen for another 15 minutes.
The kids are 2 doors down from one another and across a very small lot where the special ed kinder class is. So nice. I have to say we are off to a better start than we have been the past 2 years. The inclusion spec JT, is new to the district but not this job. He seems very motivated, thoughtful and organized. He had all of A's "stuff" dropped off prior to 1st day of school (slant board etc). Also he pulled together a nice file for the classroom teacher and called her before school started. I have only fair feelings about the aide-so we shall see.
Ki's new backpack is a car. I indirectly edged her from Spiderman, though I would have gotten if she really wanted it. She was hot on the mutant ninja turtles for a bit. But I know she really only briefly knows about them and I think they can be a bit violent-so I said no to that one. She got new brown and blue kangaroo shoes that she is in love with. It was that or the spiderman tennis shoes. No dresses for us. Lots of cropped pants. Also, 2 skorts. They are acceptable b/c of the shorts hidden underneath. She sees it as a funny surprise that the shorts are there. Then again, she wanted to wear pants tomorrow. So hopefully the funny surprise isn't on me now that we have 2 skorts with 3 matching shirts. Pics to come.
For my first day back to school, Kurt and I bought new cell phones. And I got a Palm Treo!!!! It has phone, camera, tape recorder, video recorder, PALM, internet (broadband), etc. WOW! Soooooooooooooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mama Bea of the "Hot Mamas" special Moms group is hosting mimosas at her house in the am to celebrate the start of school. Such fun. I am ready to enter the routine of the school year, madness and all.

Did I mention...

Did I mention that while I was in Southern Ca moving Mom up here that:

- e-coli was found in the drinking water somewhere and for 24hrs we weren't supposed to be drinking the tap or shower water (you can guess how well my son and Mom adhered to and remembered that)

-it was 85-90 degrees and humid while I packed up Moms house

-A had a melt down...or two

-the dog tried to swim off to china in the ocean

-I pulled things out of the cupboards and Mom put them back later

-the night before we left Mom was drinking and agitated that we needed to stay and "clean all this up". She asked about this multiple times. I felt crazy

-I badly pulled a muscle in my right calf 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave and drive North. I had a melt down.

-I couldn't walk and needed to get crutches. Mom told Kurt she called the Thrift store and they had crutches-Good news! She just wasn't sure which Thrift store she had called.

-Upon return to the Bay area Mom and I stopped so I could pick up my hubby's car at a friends. It had been hit by a guy driving a UHAUL the day before (Okay that is just weird). (The driver was kind and left his name and number)

-there is so much furniture and crap here it looks like a resale store

-People keep asking "How was your vacation?" and then I wanna kick them.

Throwing insults

I had to break up a brawl between the kids today.
A. was yelling at his sister, "You like princesses!", "You like dolls!".
Well them is fightin' words and she came unhinged. It was even more insulting then last weeks, "You like pink!". You really want to get her going, tell her she looks "pretty". Yep, we don't use the "p" word here. Reportedly "cute", however, is fine as a compliment. Just don't whip out the "p" word.

Back in town

I was gone almost 2 weeks working on getting Mom moved up here. She's here-permanently in the Bay area. Plan is just temporarilly living with us. Lots of ups and downs-more later.

Goddess Celebration

Last night I had a Goddess Celebration here for Sandrini, my dear friend who will be married in 2 weeks. Pops was home only 6 hours from after traveling 24hrs straight and being gone for over a week. He took the kids over to Gramps and bro-in-law for the night and to swim. Good guy.
So there 6 women here, and no children. Just us here to celebrate all evening and continue in the morning over breakfast. The majority of us were new to one another. It was such a beautiful time. I just can't recap it in words. It was heartfelt, open, honest, comforting and fun. It felt like a retreat in my own home. So strange.
I know Sandrini loved it and it feels so good to be able to do so much for someone who has done more for me then I can ever list. This is the first person I told I was going to lose baby Mary. The first person I called in the morning after giving birth, I had one baby who had died and the other was on a vent in the NICU. "I think I might loose it. Can you come." The one who stayed with my all night in the ER when I had one of my episodes of meningitis. The one I called and said, my Mom is in the hospital I have to fly to San Diego, can you get my kids. The one I called when my mother in law was dyeing, can you leave work, take time off and take care of my kids. I am blessed to have such a friend and to have had such a lovely evening.

She who makes-poor-eating-choices update

Called back the vet. She said to bring beautiful brown lab who-makes-poor-eating-choices as soon as possible.
I call Mom of the 2 visiting boys and ask her to pick up boys vs my dropping off. Leave Granny with all 4 kids with Martha to arrive soon to pick up her guys.
I race over to vet.
Doggo is nervous when we get in the place and tries to dive out the first side door.
Vet and I agree to induce vomiting.
I sit in waiting room and drink Diet Pepsi and read a language intervention book. Somehow with doggie's emergency and all the craziness, I have managed to find some quiet time for myself!
Vet comes out and says...no magnets in vomit. There were a lot of pretzels and raisins, which the kids confessed they has given her some. Evidently also some nuts. I have no idea what or where that is about. The vet questions if she ate the magnets. Though it's possible they were not thrown up, or less likely they are further down in the GI trac. Doing an XRAY would rule that out or I could wait and see if she passes them. Did I see her eat them? Well, no I didn't, but I asked those kids 2 times and they were sure...
I say let's go ahead and do the x-ray just in case. I mean who wants to miss something like this and need extensive and expensive care because I held out on an x-ray? Who wants to be the one to tell their partner the dog died because they didn't do a quick x-ray and identify the problem? There could be an intestinal block, the magnets could some how start to break down and expose her to dangerous chemicals., etc. This is my baby dog after all.
Well, you guessed it. No magnets. I now have a dog who was forced to vomit for no reason and a second vet bill of over $220. in 1 month.
But I do still have my beautiful brown who just celebrated her tenth birthday.

AHHHH

The dog who-makes-poor-eating-choices just ate 3 small magnets from a toy set. A. threw them on the ground, and she snarfed them up. There was a story in the news of a young child who ate these and they later attached in the intestines and s/he died.

I called vet about how to induce vomiting as my techniques weren't working, "Give her 2 T hydrogen peroxide, if nothing another 1 T 15 min later.

I am here withmy 2 kids, 2 other kids and my Mom. Supposed to be a playdate for A. with "typical" kids, something I desperately avoid as it makes me sad and nutty

After 2T-nothing, no vommitting. I had her drink cold H20 and I think she is so bloated it is not effecting her

Supposed to drive kids home soon, after ice cream out, go to another friends house to play, go to store, make soup
prepare for pary tomarrow

I gave another 1T....been 10 min nothing

tomarrow am: pack up Mom go to farmers mrt, drive mom to airport before 10, pick up Pops and others at 11 feed them, help unpack, pack up kids send them with POPs to his Dad and brothers, prepare for party

this is exactly 2 weeks since we were last at the vet inducing vommittng for the dog. i am going to call the vet back in 5 min and ask for what to do next...

My Mom

An update on where she is at:

"What show do I usually watch at 7 pm?" we've been watching Jeopardy here with her, or she at home for an eternity.

"It's 2000 and what again?"

We went out for dinner with the kids and I went outside early to take a phone call. She came out with the kids and as we were walking off, "Did I pay the bill?". I had to go back in and ask the waiter (she had). Now, 3 hrs later, she just walked into the room and was concerned that she had not paid the dinner tab.

She has changed significantly in the last 6 months. She forgets much from each 10 to 15 minute interval. The good news is she doesn't realize she isn't remembering things the majority of the time. But she did say tonight, "I really am losing it. I don't know if I paid the bill at the restaurant." And she was concerned.

I need to get her moved up here in Aug, when the kids are out of school and I can take time off. It'll be a crunch-but I think it can be done if I can enlist help of my brother and some of her neighbors. Worse case scenario she is living with us for a bit before we get her housing settled and/or her house sold or rented. I got the name and number of 3 estate planning lawyers and sent medical releases (completed by me and signed by her) to have her medical records forwarded to an MD up here.
When she came up here 3 or 4 weeks ago the kids and I had a cold. Well we gave it to her and it turned into pneumonia. She had antibiotics and is doing amazingly well, except for some residual fatigue which I think she often ignores. On return visit to MD, he said he wanted to get a baseline chest XRAY if one was available. He could see pneumonia and emphysema (she smoked 1 1/2 packs daily for 40 years and quit 20 years ago). He wasn't sure if that was all he was seeing, hence request for old XRAY. "If it looks different than the old XRAY, we may want to do some other scans". Come back in a month for a follow up XRAY and get the older chest XRAY films forwarded to me." Mom asked about that in the car, and I kinda repeated what he'd said. She asked, "Did he say what he though 'it' might be?"
me, "No."
With 40 years of smoking and a history of bilateral breast CA in an 80-year-old woman, he didn't need to say.
She doesn't seem to remember these brief conversations. To me I feel like I am writing about a medical case history and presenting it. Facts, drama -but emotionally I am not fully ready to access all of this in it's entirety.

The host

A.'s appropriate use of very adult social language/interactions is amusing and joyful. He always shakes hands when he meets adults and is quick to to introduce all around.
"Lyn, this is my Grandma. You can call her Anne."
Clearly it is direct imitation of previous family interactions, but appropriate. Today, Leelo arrived in the house with his Grandmother, Patty. My mom is here so there were introductions between the adults. A few minutes later Patty left without A. being aware.
He turned to me and said, "Should I get her a beard?"
me, "What?"
A., "Should I get her a beard?"
me, "Oh! Should you get Patty a beer?"
A. "Yeah."
me, "Oh, that would've been nice for you to offer her, but she's just left."
A. "Okay." and back to the current tv show.

Leelo

Leelo is a client of mine who has autism. He has verbal language and makes many of his wants and needs known-but us certainly not "talkative". We had a 2 week break from therapy due to vacations and holidays. His Mom said he asked repeatedly to, "Go see Judy?!" That warms my heart.

Baby Mary

When I was born as a premature baby and the chances of my survival were questionable, the Catholic nurses on duty named me Mary. When it looked like I would survive, my Mom renamed me. Because according to her, "'Mary + my maiden name' sounds like an Irish lullaby."
When I was 5 months pregnant with A. and his twin, we found out that the other twin, a girl, had polycystic kidneys and would not survive. Potentially she could die in utero, thus throwing me into labor at any time and risking the survival of baby A. Or she could live thru the pregnancy and delivery and then leave us. Pops decided he wanted to name her Mary, because that had been the name I had been given at birth and was baptized. Previously, it had not been a name we were considering, but now it seemed perfect.
I had a lot of time and friends & hubby to help process all of this. One of my girlfriends explored past life experiences. A little out there, but a lot of it makes sense and gave me peace. Supposedly A. and Mary were together and deeply in love in another lifetime. Her role in this lifetime was to be here only long enough to care for her partner, A. And that she did. She didn't die in utero and never showed signs that she was about to. As we got closer to delivery the MD told me that baby Mary might die during birth, as birth is extremely physically stressful. But she didn't. That strong girl survived delivery and we were able to hold her while she lived her very short life. Seems she was clear on her role in her lifetime.
Tonight I was playing on the computer and googled my families names to see if others had the same names, and if so what they did/have done in their lifetime. I put in Mary plus our last name. There is one. She is an RN at a wellness center. Seems like this is more than coincidence. I hope Baby Mary and the soul, Angel, that she is keeps on looking out for big boy A.

My Job

Because of my job and in my circle of "Special Mom" friends there are a number of absolutely incredible women. I am blessed to learn from them and with them.

The Playtex Puppy

The Playtex Puppy is fine. After $225.00 at the vet, she is just fine. That included the 4 cans of gut-gentle canned chicken and rice dog food required for her "irritated stomach lining" over the next few days. The thing that blew my mind was that the vet asked if the tampons were "used". Of course they were! That is the whole point of dogs-who-make-poor-eating choices, they want to eat things that smell or taste like other animals and people. Doesn't a vet who has been practicing for years know this about wacko labs?

Tampons

I just dropped off my dog SiSi, a lab, at the vet. Yesterday I found a torn up trash can in the guest bathroom and it appeared she had eaten a tampon. She vomited this am-which I cleaned up and threw out. Later I searched for poops in the yards that looked "fresh" or tampon laden. No success. So the vet thought I should bring her in to have her gut x-rayed and rule out a bowel obstruction. He suggested I also search her vomit, if possible. So after the vet, I drove to the park and dropped off the kids with Bea and came home to excavate. I readily found the offensive heap in the trash can. And upon my autopsy identified 7, read SEVEN, whole tampons. Amazing really. I called the vet and left a message to go ahead with x-ray b/c I am unsure how large the original buffet was, or if there were a few visits over time.
Do you think there is a section for used tampon ingestion by canines in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Running away from home

A. had a raging, ongoing tantrum, meltdown yesterday in response to my turning off the tv. He told me, among other not-so-niceities, he was going to run away. Then he marches to the edge of our property, rounds the corner and stands on the side of the road. I'd be happy to leave him there to cool off, but it is a busy street and I don't trust his safety judegment.
However, with his ASD fascination of maps and roads, comes a direct plan.
"MAMA! THAT'S IT, I'M RUNNING AWAY!
I'M LEAVING AND I'M TAKING HIGHWAY 280!
AND I'M GONNA WRITE YOU A CARD AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE VERY SAD!"
The humor I find in his plan takes the edge off my wanting to throttle him for this caustic 30-45 min experience.

HOTTTT!!!!

It is so awful, icky hot. I have the spinning Elmo sprinkler going on the front lawn. I want to run thru it naked, but I'll hold off.

Vacation?

Flowers

Today the Mom of one of my clients brought me flowers as a thank you. She said things to me about my work with her and her son that warmed my heart. This further confirmed my choice to work with this age group and their families, and my goal to make a difference. I have my own kids to thank, in particular A. If he didn't have so many needs from such a young age-I wouldn't be doing what I am doing. And I wouldn't have someone thanking me for doing an exceptional job.

Last Little League Game

A. had his last game of the season. He was the last batter, in the last inning. He hit a single and then the kids on the other team over-threw the ball and LAex got to run to evry base and then slide into home where he was "safe".He was so excited. He keeps asking me if he hit a grand slam. It was a big moment and I keep hearing about it.
Later, I heard the coach talking with some of the other players families. "Your son is a great kid and had a great season. Let's do it again next year!"
He never said that to me or my guy...
Instead, I focus on the joy in A's face when he relives that last time at bat.

End of school year

Last day of first grade for A., and graduation from preschool (1 of 2) for Ki.A big busy day. I surprised them and had Grannie fly up this evening. They are very excited. The big plan is to go out to Denny's for breakfast. Pops took the kids there when I went to San Diego to visit Grannie. It was a HUGE hit. They, particularly A, are thrilled about going and taking me, and now Grannie. A. told me today- "Momma, Momma, Momma and guess what-they have the BEST coffee!" He is looking out for me and my addiction, my sweet boy. Not that he has ever drank coffee. And of course their coffee is probably pretty crappy. We have reviewed and been in awe of the contents of the "Junior Grand Slam" breakfast many a time since we planned our breakfast out.
Today he told me "Momma, you should wear those shoes to Denny's tomarrow. You have a skirt on today too(a rarity), you look nice."
"Oh, thanks big guy!"
"You're welcome Momma."
sweet kids

Tomarrow (yes the day after school) I have iep for A. Pops can't come b/c of work, and I finally just said-schedule it and I will come.
Bea has iep for Roberto at 9:30, mine is at 10.Mine is strictly sched for 45 min. fine, they agree to what I want, we'll be done quickly!
Bea and I were wondering how direc of spec ed, Mimi, is going to be in 2 mtgs at once. Also, are they messing with us b/c we can't take care of each others kids or attend each others mtgs if they are at the same time. I think just coincidental, but humorus. Yesterday I got a bit concerned about going alone as there are clear discrepencies in my ideas and the ideas of the inclusion spec. So I called Obi (Char) to see if she'd go with me. Atleast just to make direc Mimi, giggle (or perhaps clench her teeth) that us Big Hot Mama's keep showing up at each others iep's. The force is with us. I've been named Luke Skywalker. (The chosen one?)I'll be lgad when next years plan is settled.

Feelings

I have been on increased doseof my antidepressants for 4 days. I think there is improvement in my mood. Still seems hared to say if it is just coincidental or not. I hope not. I would be a much happier being if the last 4 days felt like this-more productive too...

Reason #618 How I know I am a parent

I found a dried up piece of macaroni on the inside of my clean(?!) t-shirt.

iep's and friends

My buddy Lisa had her son's iep. She asked if I could join she and her husband. There were a total of 10 or 12 professionals there- I mean the ones that were paid to be there. Then Lisa told me she had also invited our buddy Char. So the mtg starts and Lisa and I leave a seat between us for Char. When she arrived I could feel half the room cringe and giggle to themselves at the sametime. That's right the Big Mama's were here. Char has a reputation, one that leads teachers to say to her, "You're not as bad as a heard you were." Not that she is rude or unkind-anything but. She is FULLY knowledgeable and self-educated on special ed law and is a fabulous advocate for her kids. She arrived with her law book in hand, pages marked, and she whipped it out and quoted a section on full inclusion when the shithead principal of Fish Gill school said, "full-inclusion is the most restrictive environment a child could be in." Char was shaking mad when she read.
I have attended another friends iep as well-I see myself as more of a mediator and clarifier. My bonus is I know the clinical terminology in terms of providing sound reasoning for the need of a variety of therapy services and in defining goals. And the people who have been with me know that too. I have to say, we are all generally quite pleasant women, but clearly not pushovers.
Mid meeting we took a break, Lisa, husband Stu, Char and I stepped outside. After a time the direc of special ed popped out to add another consideration. Then she said something along the lines of how we should form a parent support group and also go meet with the superintendent. Well, she is a smart one I have to say. She identified the Big Mama force and wants to capture it for the advantage of the special ed dept. I don't mind that, I admire her. Later at the park us Mama's talked about forming some type of special ed PTA. mmmm still thinking on how that could look.

AHHHH

Lately it feels there is always one big stressful box to check-off on the to do list. Then it is followed by 1, 2, or 3 more that have been there hiding. Or not hiding, but hding in my mind-ignored until I can even consider taking it on. no website, mom needs to move up-so much to do, she is sliding, i worry about her safety,
"they" think I should move a to another school-the home school of rich over educatedfamilies, I am scared
social things due-cumputer accounts dying
no clean underwaer
I m on the PTA an attending meetings, and I may not even have a child at that school
work-I have reports due
I haven't billed in 2 months
I need to follow up on tech's for some clients
need to impleent a behavsys for A
bless papa who is taking care of me by calling and fixing computer stuff that I don't even undertsand the lang for and hate calling on

bla bla bla

Today

Today I:
got my kids dressed and raced to school to drop off my son on time with his tin of Gumi Candies to give to classmates for "Star of the week"
-continued to grade the 35 question take-home short-answer finals for my 28 graduate students (you do the math to id number of questions I get to read)
-KAO nany calls-do I want her to work this summer?? I haven't called here she says. YES, yes-just wish it was for less money...
-treated 5 kids at my house
-drove my dtr to pre-k class
-talk to mama T briefly about trnsfer of A to home school, Rain AHHHH! Ask her to bring Ki home b/c I need to cpature every moment to grade tests
-decided not to take Wilber the guinea pig "home" to Iron Gate b/c I haven't yet cleaned out his cage. Forgot check for Mom i owe money
-picked up my son from school and cried when I talked to the teacher b/c I am stressed out about inclusion specialist rec we transfer to homeschool and school is out in 2 weeks and we can't convene on a time for IEP
-fought with my son to do 10 simple addition math problems
-tutor arrives I for got to pay her
-cancelled my pm speech kid b/c overwhelmed with finals and grades need to be posted tomarrow
-rested for 20 min on couch
-resumed grading
-sent son off to baseball practice (tutor drops him off-bless her)
-washed Sammy the guinea pig in the sink so my son A and I can bring him in to school tomarrow am for star of the week-share your pets day
-made brwonies with my dtr for PTA meeting tonight
-babysat my dear friends son who has autism
-pack up he and my dtr and go pcik up my sone from baseball practice
-gather jamies and put my 2 kids in the tub, my sons friend B. joins in by undressing and standing in he tub along with them
-make pasta
-simmer pasta suace and frozen meatballs for dinner for kids and hubby
-hubby says-don't leave me with all 3 of these kids
-chat with dear friend who picks up beautiful boy B
-take brownies to potlcuk PTA meeting-I am incoming secretary for school PTA. Get there after the meeting mostly, but shre some brownies abd let another Mom with "special" kid know about Fri pm at the park with the "special" gang-feels good
-have a dinner of brownies, bread and canteloupe my dtr left
-rerun call to another SLP who has clled 4 times to get notes from me that are all over my house (she doesn't understand that means I have various lec notes spread in everyroom of my house)
-grade finals
-almost done, determine grades for all but 3, whose finals I will read in the am
-tomarrow I pick up persc of increased dose of antidepressants. yeah!
-STILL I HAVA NOT YET SENT stuff for dear dear friends wedding shower here
-I have a million things I need to follow up on, A glasses broken, are cousins coming to stay, Mom not cashing checks she is getting-stock broker called me

AHHHH
-Ki is crying, wants me to climb in bed with her-off to brush teeth zzzzzzzzzz

Autism

Today was my work day at Irongate co-op pre-school. I am wearing my blue wrist band in support of individuals with Autism and research to cure it. A few of the kids asked me about my bracelets.
"What is that one for?" they said pointing to the blue one.
I responded, "That is to remind us to be kind to people who have autism. Do you remember our friend's name who has autism?".
"God," sweet little Dannie responded.
Perhaps she is not so far off...

Sometimes feeling forgotten

That's my Ki. If I say to the 2 kids in the car, "You (meaning plural) can have ice cream for dessert!" Ki often says, "Can I, too?"
Now this is not a lanuge problem but a kind of Eeyore trait whereby she thinks she has been forgetten, gotten the short end of the stick etc. This and her frequent reports of injury and illness I believe prompted out recent exchange.
(As you may know A broke his arm and was casted and 2 weeks later Pops was in a sling for 6 weeks following a shoulder injury.)

Driving over to the coast one weekend day.
Ki, "Mommie, my eyebrow hurts."
me, "I'm sorry, when we get there I'll give it a kiss."
Ki, "I think it's broken."
me, "Oh dear."
Ki, "I think I need to go to the hospital."
me, "Oh my."
Ki, "Well, maybe not now. We could go after the beach."
me, "Okay."

Sometimes feeling forgotten

That's my Ki. If I say to the 2 kids in the car, "You (meaning plural) can have ice cream for dessert!" Ki often says, "Can I, too?"
Now this is not a lanuge problem but a kind of Eeyore trait whereby she thinks she has been forgetten, gotten the short end of the stick etc. This and her frequent reports of injury and illness I believe prompted out recent exchange.
(As you may know A broke his arm and was casted and 2 weeks later Pops was in a sling for 6 weeks following a shoulder injury.)

Driving over to the coast one weekend day.
Ki, "Mommie, my eyebrow hurts."
me, "I'm sorry, when we get there I'll give it a kiss."
Ki, "I think it's broken."
me, "Oh dear."
Ki, "I think I need to go to the hospital."
me, "Oh my."
Ki, "Well, maybe not now. We could go after the beach."
me, "Okay."

Teaching and Dreaming Update

I am nearing the end of teaching Advanced Neurological Diagnostics Seminar to graduate speech students at San Franciso State U (SFSU). I just finished grading some of the projects turned in last week. I continue to be amazed by so many of these women (there are only 2 men and 1 of them is struggling). Some of them have exceptional grasp of the material as well as creative and intuitive minds. The fact that I have helped some of them cultivate this knowledge and intrigue warms my heart. Teaching is such a joy for me. I love sharing stories and imparting info. I also probably like to listen to myself!
A handful of these fabulous students I hope to keep my eye on that they may come and work for me in my clinic of the future.
dreaming, dreaming, dreaming
I feel confident that I am becoming somewhat known in the community professionally and that that will continue to increase. As well, there is a great demand for speech services with long waiting lists. This coupled with a GGRC contract puts me in a good position to create a clinic that would be busy. The tricky part is that there is a shortage of SLP's - so getting staff to staff a clinic can be tricky. I am hoping my connecions of new and recent grads at SFSU and knowing other SLPs would give me some options.
The other hard part about considering opening a clinic is-how much do I want to work? How much should I work in terms of taking too much time away from my family and myself, more specifically the kids. mmmmmmmm. Hard to know.
My vision of my clinic currently includes:
-a separate free standing building, ideally house downtown, that has a welcoming and fun feel. Not a stark, white walls and bad carpet feel.
-adequate parking in a safe area.
-a play structure
-focus on early intervention (my part)
-0-3 grps thru GGRC
-parent seminars
-parent support groups
-lending library of books and articles for families
-the ability to barter services and flex fee schedules to meet various families needs
-Double trouble and hubby to work w/me to pull in bilingual families for above services and education
-offer CFY's (and student internships as possible)
-have SLP students work in the office
-a staff of intelligent, loving, flexible, intuitive and good humored individuals
Thoughts from anyone out there??? Can also email me

Reason #456 How I know I am a parent

Small children and bees are attracted to my hair because the only conditioner in the shower is Go Grape.

Sensory Integration Dysfunction-hypo

Today we went to the beach. Me, Pops, Granny, A., Ki and brown dog. A true family outing. Temperature in the 50's, water temp 46 degrees. Gotta love the spring in San Fran. We walked and fell across a "dog beach" of sorts. At one point 10 dogs with in near view running and playing. My son swam more than the dog. A. Held up his pants and walked in the surf barefoot. This progressed to up to the knees which progressed to lying down face down in the surf while wearing pants, shirt and coat. He played for another 15 minutes or more in the surf before we called him out. My favorite thing was that he continued to hold up his pants while he waded. Like every inch of him wasn't already soaked. I love that little guy.
We walked back to the car along a path-my 2 kids sandy and dripping wet in 6o degree weather-people glancing at us with looks varying from amusement to horror.

pee pee

Last weekend we went on a hike, Pops, A., Ki, Granny and myself. Midway through we grown ups looked down to see A. at the base of the hill with his pants at his ankles, his tighty Shrek underwear around his butt and his penis out in the wind. Ah, the joy of peeing in the great outdoors.
Ki was quite amused - this pee stream was something to behold!
Next she yells, "I'm gonna do it to!" From a bit of a distance I see her drop her drawers, thrust her hips out, put her hands down to her privates and...look a bit confused. Now we know the true origin of penis envy.
I told her I'd help her pee outdoors like a girl would. She complied and seemed to enjoy it anyway.
Good thing she wore those rain boots.

Morning

8:30 Pops and kids wake me up. Course Im already in and out of sleep trying to ignore that I shold be waking. A. with baseball game, he's to be there at 9. Ki t-ball at 9:15.
Realize last weeks uniforms never got washed. They are disgusting (another story). Mom hs done laundry during the week but forgets to check our bathroom. She says "Well if they were in the laundry I'd have done them" Pops says "How could this have happened!!!"
I feel stressed.
Kids are crying. Pops yelling.
Wash A's shirt by hand, put in dryer. Stuff him into size sml pants. He melts down over having to leave house in shirt that is not part of uniform. Later I drive it over to him.
9 :05 back home. wash ki's uniform and put in dryer she is insisting on bathing in sink.no no no. On second crying jag this am.
I go outside to get chair to sit on at game. Walk thru house to front. dog poop on my shoe, and floor.
9:10 find poop on my pant leg. no other pants to wear. wash it off.
go to bathroom. I've started my period. could explain more intense irritability and depression feelings.
9:20 ki's uniform out of dryer throw her in it, race over to field.
No one is there. It's 9:30, game at 9:30
come home to voice message we never heard or checked about cancelled game.
i make a cup of coffee, my vice in life, we are due to go to A.'s game.
had to write.
cathartic
time, only 10:10 am
I think this will be a long weekend.

Catching Up

Spent the last 4 days at the state association speech conference. It was here in San Francisco. Always fun to see people. A number of my former and current students from SFSU were working as pages. I attended talks from pediatric swallowing, treating aphasia/cognitive deficits, counselling, opening a private practice, use of sign for toddlers, treating craniofacial anomalies and more. Lots of great handouts and info. And of course the exhibit hall where I dropped over $200.00 on materials. I got lots of good ideas.
even 2 hours a day
A. on break for 2 weeks. His behavior has been so awful at times lately that 2 hours seems like an eternity. I can get a tension h/a daily-if not mult times in a single day. He is often explosive. Yelling, hitting, screaming, kicking, calling me names.It is not purely manipulative behavior-as it rarely ends up getting him whatever it was he wanted. ex I turn the tv off. There is/are nother organic things here. Seems like developmental delays, ADHD and more. I end up screaming and yelling myself and at times hitting him. Which I am ashamed to say. I've never hit Ki. He can be so maddening.
A.'s aide at school gave notice. He has joined the Army. They said they needed him right away-gee I wonder why. War is no place for this sweet tempered, shy and quiet fellow. They are supposed to post the position. Last email I got last Fri they could not post it until he gave written notice. Gosh, I hope he knows that. Tracking him down in boot camp might be a problem. This whole thing could be a nightmare if we can't find an aide.
I am so pissy. A. makes me nutty, my Mom is here-which makes me a bit nutty with her frequent repretitions, and Pops has a tendency, which he doesnt hear, to sound pissy. All of the above makes me PISSY.

underwear and socks

The laundry battles rage on. I seem to be incapable of feeliong grateful that I own a washer and dryer that are conveniently located in my home! I don't even have to go in the garage. But still I do not keep up. The dirty laundry grows multiplies like like fuzzy mold on last-months refrigerated left overs. The clean is uncontained and wandering aourounf the laundry roo, threatening to take over the entire family room. And then, there are episode where the two mingle...not good.
I am earning Momy points all the while. Lately, because there is no clean laundry I have been gving Ki 2 unmatched socks.
"But Mommie, these don't match!"
"Oh it's okay, just wear your rainboots and no one will know."
No clean underwear for me this am-or not any I could fit into.
I am wearing my husbands tighty-whities. Actually, the are tighty tie died. Quite brilliant really. Don't tell..

Glad I wasn't in Safeway for this one

I had Ki accompany me to the bathroom before leaving Iron Gate.
"Mommie, Daddy has a big penis."
"Oh," I say remaining quite neutral.
"It's large.Do you know what large means?"
"I think so."
"Large means 'wide' (accompanied by gestures indicating wide)."

It seems the level of observation and interest while poor Pops mearly tries to take a leak has increased.

My little...girl?

My Ki is the biggest anti-girl ever. While I am pleased she does not obsess about being an overly made-up damsel in distress, I hope she does come over to he feminine side somewhat.
She prefers to play with boys at Iron Gate and has never once in her life dressed up as a princess. Even when we owned an outfit. At school she has dressed up like: firefighter, police officer, race car river and astronaut. For Christmas all she wanted was a superhero outfit, "You know, the one with the shiney legs and the cape and mask". She refuses to wear a dress or skirt or even a skort. She complains someone might say she is "pretty". I asked if it is okay to be called "pretty" if you have on a pretty pants outfit. That seemed okay-but stumped her a bit. She refuses hair clips or adornments and always has (they hurt). She now says she hates pink and doesn't want to wear it (we own a fair amount).

Blessings

I called my good fortune friend yesterday just to say, "I'm calling to tell you about my good fortune".
A's former aide at school, Miss S as he calls her, called me. She ended up taking both of my children from 3 pm 9 pm. They played and read books and made pizza. Later her husband joined them at the movies. BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. That's right, because he wanted to go to a movie with two kids aged 5 and 7. After the movie they all played video games and then went back to Miss/Mr S house for more pizza and play and then they were dropped off here at home tired and happy.
These people must be up for Saint Hood. (For them it is capitialized). Six hours of free babysitting AND they refused money to pay for the movie! Not that money is the issue.
Their kids are older (college and jr in high school) and they miss spending time with kids. Evidently my kids were well behaved. They are ususally better with other people. The best of course is that Miss S is a Mom and she knows my big A and his story.
The kids said they had a great time. There are plans to get together again sometime.
Oh joy!

Headache no more

I feel better. Love that Advil

I have a headache

I had a headache yesterday and cx a new cclient in am. I don't usually get stress headaches, but it would make sense that it would occur! Yesterday I was stressed about this client (adult) because I wanted to do PROMPT with him and I am really not ready to do that. Need more review and practice for him. Now I have a headache again. In my neck and top of my head. It is reminiscent of meningitis. I am a bit anxious. Took 3 Advil. We'll see. Send good vibes.

In the Trenches-for speech therapists

I am seeing a 2 year old little boy who has childhood apraxia of speech. Currently he often subs voiced for voiceless consonants. And of course at this age, and with everything else, he reduces consonant clusters.
He walks his sister to school with his Mom everyday and looks for sticks to play with.
So for big stick /BIG STIK/ (in phonetics) with a reduced cluster and voicing for voiceless you get /BIG DIK/.
That error is one that will get 'em into speech therapy every time!

word must be out i'm a liberal

well, words out atleast in the animal kingdom. i support gay rights-and they know. my female lab has long been interested in humping legs. mine. or other women's. never my husbands. i think it is because she is smelling hormone shifts or something. usually occurs when i am ovulating or having my period. we've thought of making some extra money by renting her out as an ovulation predictor dog. much cheaper than the fancy fertilitity stuff you can buy.
i also have and love, my guinea pig. it is a boy. i got another g pig boy that i am caring for. they are supposed to enjoy each others company. well all my boy did was madly chase and hump the other guy. causing the straight one to back his rear into the cage wall to avoid the mad-mounting episodes.
i've yet to get any input from the cat.

I Do All My Own Stunts

That's what it says on A's shirt. You can read it when he moves his casted left arm.

How to make your 1 armed husband nutty

Tie his shoes with double knots. It's just habit!

Update

Sat at 1:30 pm
Ki has recovered mo problem from the bonk on the head. Pops has splint/sling for 5 more weeks. He was thrilled to shower last week and is doing more now-to the point of getting bored. Evidently this injury/surgery is known for a lot of pain. He gets tired during the day, but nights are the worst. Every time he lays down he experiences pain. Not too conducive to sleeping. Not to mention he has to sleep proped upright on his back. So he is a bit crabby at times. But we are doing pretty well about taking good care of each other and not getting impatient.
A. has 2 more weeks in his cast. Right now he is working off a little sensory energy by spinning on the floor on his back like a break dancer.
Our good friends, Mama L and Daddy S have evidently caught the madness from us. They have a 5 yr old w/ special needs and twin toddlers w/ language delays. As if life isn't crazy enough-he broke his right (dominant) hand and she is laid out with a really bad cold from the kids. I need a picture of our 3 guys in their various splints and casts.
Shortly, I'm heading out w/ kids to see "Curious George"-should be fun. I'm looking forward to the movie.
The in-laws (brother and Dad) are here and are helping out in the way they can. That is doing yard work. So things are being trimmed and swept and mowed etc. This is good the yard needs it-always a consideration given I work from my home.
Work is busy. More cases and calls then I have time for. Lots of 2 year old boys!! Started teaching again this semester at State Univ. Same class as 1 yr ago-so that is helpful in terms of prep time. Still a time effort-but I just love it. I changed reader and requirements for the class to make it more functional. Many changes based on input from last years students on how I coulld improve the class. I hope the reviews at the end reflect this. Class is called "Advanced neurological diagnostics".
Picking up 1 or 2 private adult neuro clients while a colleague is out on medical leave. Should be good exp and some extra money.
Time to head off to the movie!!!

They say it somes in threes

One week since my last post. On Monday Pops had his apt with orthopedic surgeon who said he has a massive rotator cuff tear and needs surgery. He felt 80% sure Pops woud get a full recovery. Which leaves room for angst about not having a full recovery in a guy whose occupation is depenedent upon using his arms well. Currently, with no surgery he can't raise his arm to the level of his shoulder. Pops was very distressed at this news.
Th afternoon A. had a permanent cast put on his arm-3 more weeks with the cast on.
Fri am Pops had surgery. The kids and I dropped him off and then went to Pete's Coffee to kill sometime before taking Ki to Bab's house for the am and A. to school. I teach F am's 9-12 at the university. That morning felt extremely stressful-I was out of it and anxious with all that was going on. Vi, from Pops work, picked him up and drove him home after the surgery and stayed til I got there. I got home 45 min later. There he was propped up in a chair groggy and in pain after the surgery (general anesthesia, surgery with a scope). He has this wild wrap around cooling blanket on his shoulder that hooks up to an ice filled cooler to keep his shoulder cold and help control the pain. In addition to that is this compicated sling he gets to wear for the next 6 WEEKS. It has a full arm sling, a strap over his shoulder, one around his back and a wedge holding his arm out to the side. Really this sling makes it look as if his arm was amputated and reattached. It's called an airplane sling (I think)-that's because one is as wide as an airplane with this thing on. He is in exceptional pain. The kind where you keep moving your hands or feet in an agitated fashion. Reminded me of labor-except he doesn't get to pop a baby out of his shoulder after all this.
Now it is Sunday. Pops is in less pain. If he doesn't move around he is okay, though he continues to need the Vicodin. He moves from chair to bed to toilet and back again.The kids have been good about understanding that he is in pain and not to climb on him.
The kids and perhaps all of this left me feeling very irritable by lunch time. I told Pops I was going to go shopping alone and get the b-day present for the 2 pm bday party I'm taking the kids to-I needed a break. I finish my shopping in Toys 'R Us and head next door to TJ Max for a few minutes of shopping alone in an adult section. I was handling a great pair of New Balance shoes when my cell phone rang. It was home. Pops said I needed to come home, Ki had hit her head and was bleeding and he needed my help.
Evidently A. was pulling her in the wagon and it flipped over and she hit her head. Lots of bleeding. The neighbor gave Pops a hand. I arrive home to the family lined up on the front porch. A. with his arm in his new green cast and sling, Pops with a half bared hairy chest, bandaged shouder and wild-ass airplane sing, Ki screaming, ice on her head, and blood down the back of her shirt. Once she was settled and I realized I didn't think she needed stitches I almost broke out in hysterical laughter. This is some kind of black humor.
I decide with the kids to skip the party. I set up pillows and blankets for Pops on a bed, refill and hook up his ice pack, get him books and leave him to rest. Kids are now watching a movie. I am contemplating a nap. Ki says she now wants to go to the party-we probably could. But the blood in her hair might be distracting to the other guests.

Heavy

I participate on a blog w/ other "special needs" Mom's where we try to record what we are grateful for.
But right now I need to bitch, moan, scream and throw a fabulous pity party. I need to put down all the ways life has been hard in the last 8 years. Maybe if I barf it out I'll begin to feel lighter and feel more able to work to change the things I can.

I feel heavy.
My life is weighing me down.
My husband, Pops, got lab results confirming excessively high cholesterol-and a request from his MD to come in and discuss the need for medication to treat. He is only 41.
That night, just a few hours later-A broke his left (dominant) arm and required surgery due to the compound fracture. ^ weeks in a cast and no writing at school.
Four days later Pops was walking on a plank bridge and it broke underneath him causing him to fall and land on his shoulder. The ortho MD is 90% sure it is a rotator cuff tear (in shoulder) and will require surgery. This has a LONG and painful recovery time. Pops is a physical therapist and an out-of-commision arm means not working for 4-6 weeks, disability and a loss of income. That is of course if he doesn't lose his job. That seems unlikely (I mean how much of a jerk can you be to let someone go b/c of the same type of injury your business makes money on-but his contract says they can let him go after 30 days of being unable to work). He is at an MRI as I write. He is rightfully concerned and fearful about all of this. After surgery, and now I need to do more around the house b/c he is so limited by using 1 hand.
Pops Dad has surgery coming up, a biopsy of a growth on his tongue, to rule out oral cancer. Not a surprise in a guy who is a pipe smoker and has a history of melanoma. The original surgery was cancelled when they discovered a cardiac condition.
My mother's dementia (Alzhiemers) looms on. She can ask the same question 3 times in a 5-10 min comversation and never realize it. I need to get her moved up here. I just can't even see how I can fit that in.

I just need to continue while I'm at it, and talk about the past

Mom had emergency surgery last Sept and I was gone for over a week to her home town. I called on MANY people to help out with the kids-as then and now Pops only has 4 hrs of sick time.
Last summer Pops had pnuemonia (hence loss of sick time).
One year prior Pops Mom died, we took her off life support, after a she'd had a couple years of kidney failure and cancer (only 65 years old).
In the last 3-3 1/2 yrs I've had viral menningitis 3 times.
My beautiful boy has developmental delays-behavior is hard to manage at home. there is always more I should do for him.
My dtr had delays and qualified for services at age 2. Luckilly, most things have resolved. But after my son-it scared the hell out of me.
She was a high risk pregnanacy with some concerns requiring extra testing. That was hard.
My son had a twin who died at birth. I found out at 5 months she would not live and indeed could have died in utero and thrown the whole pregnancy into early labor. I was on bedrest for 2 months. He was a good birth weight, but needed to be in the NICU for a week.


This all reminds me of a friend of mine who had repeated events in her life, similar to me in that they were out of her control. There is SO much- that as an outsider you almost become immune. I mean of course she can handle it and she'll be okay-look at everything else she has handled.

I am depressed and need to seek more treatment.
My hair looks awful. And I not picky-it hasn't been cut in months.
I have gained so much weight -and continue to-that I have no clothes to wear. My weight is out of control.
I am irritable and unavailable to my children.
My house is such a mess with clothes and toys everywhere you literally need a shovel in my bedroom.
Every room in the house is a mess. And unless you've seen it you really can't imagine.
SO MUCH-I don't know where to begin. I am stunned.
Pops is home from MRI
more later

My tribe

I finally had my tribe of women over yesterday. The "special" women. The hot mama's. All of us have special needs kids around 5 to 7 years old. A few of these women given more than one child that has "therapy" as a part of their child's weekly schedule. Autism and "autistic like tendencies" is someting all of us understand and live. Five of us women total and 1 who was invited, but was out of town. We all are married and have 2 or more kids.
Thoughts:
I feel so blessed to have found these incredible women on this crazy journey.
They are: intelligent, funny, loving, wordly, international, critical thinkers, passionate, liberal, world changing women.
We are all on a similar journey, even tough our kids may be different there are similarites.
We get each other.
We get being hypervigilant in public.
We get that everyday can be exhausting and long, that patience is hard to keep.
We know the pain of the park and being with children the same age as ours, who behave nothing like ours.
That people don't call for "play dates" often, if ever.
That people stare in public and pierce you with their unspoken words,
"Why don't they just discipline their child!"
That in our hearts a piece will always grieve that our family isn't "typical"
That you don't get to go everywhere you'd like-like out for a simple dinner, b/c your child(ren) can't handle being in a restaurant or has such a restricted diet, it isn't possible.
That tantrums /melt-downs are part of a typical day.
That small gains are big gains for our kids
And we can celebrate them together
Most of all our children are blessed because they have this extended family that gets who they are and loves each of them for the unique and beautiful children they are.

my tribe

The hospital experience in A's mind

A. has an EXCEPTIONALLY high pain tolerance. I mean scarey high. I am certain it is a component of his sensory integration disorder (SID). Half the tears he shed over his horribly broken arm were not about the pain, but about fear of the situation and distress over messing with his routine. In a kid with autism/autistic tendencies and/or SID the the tears and distress are about different things. In this case:
not getting the milkshake he'd been promised (b/c now we knew we were looking at surgery and anesthesia)
being in the hospital past bedtime
having to take his underwear off
my head in the way of the tv screen
My positive guy found great joy in:
spending the night in the hospital
breakfast in bed
the cover over the plate of food-which contained his favorite eggs and bacon
the tv on the ceiling having Disney Channel
The ER had individual apple computers at bedside on carts-you could choose the movie or show you wanted to watch. The morning after the surgery we had a hoo-ha b/c he wanted to go back to the ER for the computer. When these are the memory highlights-clearly the pain wasn't too bad.
In fact it all seemed so good Ki says she wants to break her leg.

Broken

A. broke his arm. Broke both bones in his lower arm, one of them puncturing out of the skin creating an open fracture. Over to the ER. Surgery that night at 12 am. A night in the hospital.
A. has fine motror and sensory integration disorder and vision differences. Writing is difficult and one of his weakest areas. Of course he broke his dominant left arm. He is splinted/casted from his knuckles to his armpit. This little guy doesn't get to m any breaks.

A. Pissed

When Big A is mad he often yells. Sometimes he yells nonsense words. Other times he yells out parts of reprimands he has heard in the past-either from me, others, t.v., school etc.
Over Christmas a new and amusing reprimand was delivered by him a few times:
"That's it Mama, you're grounded for Hannuhka!"
Well, atleast I know he is culturally diverse.

Spelling Test

A brought home his homework for the week yesterday. He is supposed to write sentences for each of his spelling words. It does amze me that he can spell so well. Always gfets 100% on test at school and we never do more than preacitce words orally 1X. This thing about putting them in a sentence was new. I had doubts he could do that.
"Okay, A, what is a sentence you can write with word "much" in it?"
A, "I watch too much t.v."
Looks like he gets it!

I have an angel and she was at Safeway today

I was at Safeway today shopping with BA and marveling at his wonderful behavior. This after a hellacious trip to Petco yesterday with the 2 of them sprinting around the store and cutting off people with those little kid carts, tantrums here and there, telling me "no". Today he pushed to cart without banging into things, stayed with me, no tantrums. we ran into Miss S., who was his 1:1 AIDE LAST YEAR. sHE WANTED TO BE SO AGaIN THIS YEAR BUT WAS BUMPED BY SENIORITY. (Sorry hit the caps key there-not really yelling.)
Anyway, she has 2 kids, 1 in college and 1 in high school. SHe told me that she has been feeling bored and is really missing having kids around. She is interested in taking BA and Ki at times and maybe going to the movies or the park. WHAT?? Someone wants to take BA and I don't have to pay them??? We talked about how the movie Curious George is coming out. When we picked up ki he told her, "Hey Ki, Miss S is and I are gonna hangout after school and go to the movies and the park."
( Hopefully they won't show their true colors right away)
YIPEE!

mmm

I keep meaning to go back and write about Xmas and all in and
around and since then.

For the moment I am amused that I sit here on the couch- with my labrador, cat and guinea pig. They all hang out together. World peace on the couch.