Saturday, February 04, 2006


I participate on a blog w/ other "special needs" Mom's where we try to record what we are grateful for.
But right now I need to bitch, moan, scream and throw a fabulous pity party. I need to put down all the ways life has been hard in the last 8 years. Maybe if I barf it out I'll begin to feel lighter and feel more able to work to change the things I can.

I feel heavy.
My life is weighing me down.
My husband, Pops, got lab results confirming excessively high cholesterol-and a request from his MD to come in and discuss the need for medication to treat. He is only 41.
That night, just a few hours later-A broke his left (dominant) arm and required surgery due to the compound fracture. ^ weeks in a cast and no writing at school.
Four days later Pops was walking on a plank bridge and it broke underneath him causing him to fall and land on his shoulder. The ortho MD is 90% sure it is a rotator cuff tear (in shoulder) and will require surgery. This has a LONG and painful recovery time. Pops is a physical therapist and an out-of-commision arm means not working for 4-6 weeks, disability and a loss of income. That is of course if he doesn't lose his job. That seems unlikely (I mean how much of a jerk can you be to let someone go b/c of the same type of injury your business makes money on-but his contract says they can let him go after 30 days of being unable to work). He is at an MRI as I write. He is rightfully concerned and fearful about all of this. After surgery, and now I need to do more around the house b/c he is so limited by using 1 hand.
Pops Dad has surgery coming up, a biopsy of a growth on his tongue, to rule out oral cancer. Not a surprise in a guy who is a pipe smoker and has a history of melanoma. The original surgery was cancelled when they discovered a cardiac condition.
My mother's dementia (Alzhiemers) looms on. She can ask the same question 3 times in a 5-10 min comversation and never realize it. I need to get her moved up here. I just can't even see how I can fit that in.

I just need to continue while I'm at it, and talk about the past

Mom had emergency surgery last Sept and I was gone for over a week to her home town. I called on MANY people to help out with the kids-as then and now Pops only has 4 hrs of sick time.
Last summer Pops had pnuemonia (hence loss of sick time).
One year prior Pops Mom died, we took her off life support, after a she'd had a couple years of kidney failure and cancer (only 65 years old).
In the last 3-3 1/2 yrs I've had viral menningitis 3 times.
My beautiful boy has developmental delays-behavior is hard to manage at home. there is always more I should do for him.
My dtr had delays and qualified for services at age 2. Luckilly, most things have resolved. But after my son-it scared the hell out of me.
She was a high risk pregnanacy with some concerns requiring extra testing. That was hard.
My son had a twin who died at birth. I found out at 5 months she would not live and indeed could have died in utero and thrown the whole pregnancy into early labor. I was on bedrest for 2 months. He was a good birth weight, but needed to be in the NICU for a week.

This all reminds me of a friend of mine who had repeated events in her life, similar to me in that they were out of her control. There is SO much- that as an outsider you almost become immune. I mean of course she can handle it and she'll be okay-look at everything else she has handled.

I am depressed and need to seek more treatment.
My hair looks awful. And I not picky-it hasn't been cut in months.
I have gained so much weight -and continue to-that I have no clothes to wear. My weight is out of control.
I am irritable and unavailable to my children.
My house is such a mess with clothes and toys everywhere you literally need a shovel in my bedroom.
Every room in the house is a mess. And unless you've seen it you really can't imagine.
SO MUCH-I don't know where to begin. I am stunned.
Pops is home from MRI
more later


  1. Hey Beautiful Mama,
    Sounds like you are processing a lot of heavy stuff. Let's get together really soon for a cup of coffee and a super big hug.
    love you bunches,

  2. Wow. That's not a pity party; that's very legitimately too much to deal with. People always say that at times like that you need to take it one day at a time. I've found that at times like that one day can feel insurmountable. So I break it down into manageable chunks. There have been times I've had to take it fifteen minutes at a time - "What can I do to get through the next 15 minutes? Water the plants. Okay - go." I've found that the tiny chunks can make the huge looming future seem a little less daunting.

    I'm thinking about you.