Monday, December 19, 2005


For the last few days the kitchen counter has been the storage place for xmas mugs and other clean dishes, including the cat's freshly cleaned and empty bowl.
This morning when I woke up I had that amazingly foggy feeling and literally stumbled into the kitchen. I picked up the coffee pot and poured myself a cup, right into the cat's clean bowl (next to the xmas mugs). Awake?

"There was one problem with Alex at school today.."

Not the greeting a mother looks forward to hearing upon picking her child up from school.
"Oh,"I say.
Did he hit another child??
Did he get frustrated and yell at at a teacher or therapist?
Usually he is really good at school I think to myself.
His gentle soft-spoken aide gives me the story,"Well, during reading group today...
he kissed another boy on the cheek."
I almost burst out laughing. This is not what I expected and feared! But I am not surprised as my boy is very oral (likes to put things in his mouth), loves to kiss and be kissed and recently licked the face of a friend of his.
It turns out the kiss itself was not as big a problem as the comments by the children calling the kiss receiver a "girl" (a true insult in 1st grade). This made the boy quite upset and he cried.
So at our house we are having discussions about who is okay to kiss and hug and how to let our peers know we like them or are happy to see them.
So, if you're a really good friend of mine and I lick your face, you'll know it's a compliment.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Feeling good

I stayed up till 2 am last T night. I spent the evening working on compiling the reader for the graduate speech class I'll teach in the fall, and individually decorating gingerbread cookies for my amiga's in my book club. We have a cookie swap every year at holiday time. I found this cute set of cookie cutters and used them to design individual sets of cookies for each member in the book club and their family-ex for Jo 1 man cookie (her husband), 1 woman (her), 1 dog (Rocky) and 1 house (theirs). Each was individually painted with a variety of colors. My husband thought I was nuts as the house looked like a bomb went off (as only my house can look) and I am frosting cookies. But it made me happy!
The next day one friend from the book club left a heart warming message on my machine about how much she appreciated the time and thoughtfulness put into the cookies and that she thought I was an amazing woman. (Not just b/c of the cookies I am assuming!!!). So nice of her! Really made my day and again a reminder to take the time to let others know our warm thoughts about them.
On Fri I went to IEP with Mama B about Bobbie. She and I are good friends and I see him for speech therapy. In the past I have been concerned about being involved in IEPS's in the district in which my son is in. Particularly since the majority of the players I know and many are also on A's team of providers. But I have to say thought it went really well. I knew that some of the professionals and the parent's of Bobbie were interested in him having an aide. During meetings I have learned over time to wait till all the data has been put out and then to restate it in an objective fashion and offer ideas that sound data based. And I was thinking the professionals (teacher and therapists) often feel they can't push for more services and the parents (or ones like me) don't want to rock the boat too much. Me in this situation, really I think, little to nothing to lose. And I felt like I was able to offer some good insight and functional ideas. It made me feel good and offered reassurance that I am doing the right thing with my work.

Friday, December 16, 2005


Here I am at home alone drinking Perrier out of a cyrstal wine glasss. The house is sparkling and decorated to the rafters. All b/c Kurt's work parety is here tonight. They went bowling and then are to head over here-but I've beat them.. Although I am tired it feels greatr to have the house filled with candle light, nice table linens and xmas music. The kids are with mama L., such a treat for me!!!
This will really make it feel more like xmas. I feel a sense of relief now that the pary is here and happening b/c thre was so much to get done and through this week.
Off to get the spanikopita and quiche out of the oven!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The Cycle

A typical night of sorts.
Mom is here visiting. I take an afternoon nap and then stay up late I enjoy the quiet later.
wake up at 5:30
Bath time with the kids, the 3 of us bathe together.
Al leaves bathe because he is hurrying to go watch "ABC Channel 7 News". He is becoming obsessed with a schedule which includes watching "ABC Channel 7 News".
Then falls apart because he missed the usual (read routine) of our pretend toboggin sled ride in the tub. Gets back in the tub for the sled ride. Then out again and partially dresses with reminders.
I tell Alex we need to read books for homework. The thought of no "ABC Channel 7 News" causes massive tantrum.
Mom asks him why he is so sad.
He "rests" in room, screaming at full tilt.
He comes back out with me.
I request, "Mom, can you please sit on the couch and read"

Alex still sad.
Mom says, "Why are you so sad?" (Not getting that this is the same saga of a few minutes ago that then resurfaces in it's full glory at her inquiry)
"No, no Mom. Please, just read the book." I say.
Al, still screaming, Ki yells at him to stop and he hits her, she screams
*repeat above paragraph

Husband home at 7:15 pm
Father in law calls. There are some serious potential health things emerging with him.
Father in law again demands from husband what I want for Xmas. That family practice is to specifically define, order or buy the gifts you want for yourself, and then get gifts to them. They then give them to you on Xmas.(you are of course reimbursed if necessary depending on who ordered). --Surprise!

You see if you do it that way you don't have to think about the character and interests, joys or details of a person as needed to buy
So I say to my husband who has known me for 14 years.
"Don't you have any ideas of what to get me that you could tell them?"
"No, I don't know what you want."
No you have to understand that I am told by friends. "You are so easy to shop for"
That is when I retreated to this key board.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Oh My

Well the day after I write a post bashing Lovers family, he is an angel face. Karma. For my birthday he got tickets to a show in the city in Dec when Mom will be here to stay with the kids. Something we rarely if ever do. Great initiation on his part. THen it turns out he aranged awhile ago to have some friends of ours surprise me and meet us for dinner!! We had a great time.

Prior to Alex's birthday I told him that on that Tuesday we would take him to dinner where ever he wanted to go. He said, "San Francisco." I was thinking more along the lines of Applebees here in our town. He has talked often about SF since I took him up there for a consult with my friends. He is fascinated with all the forms of mass transit all the sights. Sights he loved:
driving by MOnster park, home of 49ers.
driving by SBC Park, home of Giants (our boy is quite the sports fan)
Bay Bridge
all the varieties of mass transit BART, electric buses, MUNI, horse drawn carriage, boats
we wnet to Pier 39 and walked around before our lunchat the RainForest Cafe. VERY cool place. I think I liked it as muh as the kids. I asked A later-"What did you like best about the Rain Forest Cafe?"
"The rainbow slurpee" Tough to beat that
After lunch we went looking for the cable car.A had been requesting tht for a couple of weeks. We rode from Peir 39 to Market (?).We saw the tree up in Union square and the big wreath on MAcys. A even got to ring the cable car bell!!
Cable car a hit for all us. Drove home past Golden Gate with settign sun and down the coast near the sunset with a beautiful sunset. Gorgeous clear day.

Friday, November 25, 2005


Well really the late night/early morning after. I am awake and still writing, my 4th post or so.

Holidays with us are a strange mixture of family. It has gotten progressively smaller over the years as family members from Lover's side have passed on. This year it was Lover, myself, Ki (age4) A (newly age 7), my mother, Lover's Dad "The General" and Lover's brother, Felix, Aunt M. All live locally except Mother who is here visiting almost monthly. Let me introduce the characters.
Ki-excited loves to cook, easily entertained and entertaining.
A-difficult to strip form the TV. Occasionally tearing through various rooms spin dancing and/or vocalizing loudly. Learning differences and behavior challenges increasing of late.
Lover-so pleased to have his brother, Dad, wife and Kids together. Knows I don't like his Dad a whole lot, but unaware (or choosing not to be aware) that I really don't enjoy these holiday gatherings much.
Mother-losing the battle to Alzheimers/dementia. Repeating yet again the question "what time is dinner?" as she pours another glass of wine.
The General-named by me and the name has stuck. Not b/c he was ever in the military but b/c he barks out orders and expects the rest of the world to jump into action. Historically what his family has done. This sexist, racist, egocentric, narrow minded man has been the patriarch for a couple generations. Appropriately, he has never seemingly been bothered by this nick name b/c I think he revels in it, missing the whole point, but supplying ample view of his character. I try to avoid conversation should he dive onto one of his soap boxes about his thoughts on the way the world should be (see above themes).
Felix, named by me b/c he is a bit fastidious and neat. Something one is not who has small children. He rarely talks or spontaneously greets people. I mean he rarely talks to me, and I have known him about 15 years. He is incredibly socially impaired (a likely link to A and Ki's social deficits, but I digress). So, not to exciting to have around. For the most part he and the General park themselves infront of the TV and watch football until called to the table for dinner.
Aunt M-Lives alone at 94 years old! A bit deaf but sharp as a tac! We just don't have a lot in common. She is the sister of The General's mother, so a great aunt to kurt and great great aunt to the kids. My God that is old.
Me- A bit pissy. 42 tomorrow. Not always pissy, just a bit on holidays. It's just not a lot fun. I realize I need to do something to change that. I cooked my ass off today. My choice. I didn't want to buy pre-made food-to his credit The General offered to buy from Safeway. But you can't do that on Thanksgiving! But I then end up saying one or two sentences during the whole meal while The General dominates the conversation (as always) with hunting stories/topics or talks about himself. He sits on his ass the entire time NEVER lifting a finger, and Felix hardly does either. I mean not even taking his plate to the sink.
Today I made (and I just have to list this here to be a bit pissy):
cornbread from a mix-with Ki
cranberry relish-with A and Ki (a tradition)
pumpkin pie-made by Lover and Ki, an activity she was looking forward to, I supervised
tortilla soup-for lunch with above cast of characters
stuffing-with the cornbread from earlier
turkey-Lover did most, but I carved
mashed potatoes
glazed carrots
stock (from the leftover turkey carcass) for soup
Kurt did help out a bunch, as did Mom.
I have feel a bit sad that the holidays are not filled more with a feeling of love and laughter than tolerance and compromise on my part. I miss the days of me, Mom, and various other friends (T.L., Andre quite often). More laughter and joy then. I would have loved to have spent time with some other friends today, or had others over here. But I never want to put others thru spending time with this socially awkward crowd. I guess if I warn them and put The General at the other end of the table-perhaps that would be okay.
I think the reality is that I need to not spend all day cooking and find some activities to do with kids and Mom and feel thankful for having them here.

In hind sight I am feeling a bit like an ungrateful bitch here. The General and Felix brought me a nice birthday gift of a J Jill gift certificate and another surprise still in the mail (I think the wool clogs in LL Bean I told Lover about). Aunt M gave me $50 for my bday-and Lover and I another $50 for Thanksgiving and A $50 for his bday!
BUT, in my defense this does represent thoughts from a number of holidays.
Piss piss. Ki awake awhile ago and is asleep beside me on the couch. She woke up crying (as usual) and said, "Where is the pumpkin pie!?"Funny really in that all she eats is the whip cream on top.
It is now 3:15 am. I should go to sleep. It felt good to download all this from my head.

Ki's First Kiss

Yep. Ki is just 4, nearly 5 and she has just recently been kissed by a boy for the first time. He's older, by 2 years. He is the oldest B's blended family of 4 boys.
Ki made a card for Andy a few weeks ago. She makes them often for people, but it is true that to be chosen as a recipient means you have been dwelling in her mind at some level. He received it with the enthusiasm expected of a 6 year old boy. But I guess it did make it up onto his bulletin board.
Two weeks later he awakened B and her partner with sounds of busyness from the front room. He later called out, "How do you spell Ki". He had made for her the most beautiful and time intensive card ever. It involved cutting, taping tons of rainbow coloring and says "Ki, I like you. From, Andy." He proudly presented it to her and she was excited to have had someone made something for her. Later that day when we were leaving A and Ki loaded into the car and the van door was still open. I turned around just in time to see this otherwise not overly affectionate boy climb into my van, kiss Ki on the cheek and wordlessly leave again.
It seems neither of them are really too aware of this first kiss. But I saw it. And now it has been recorded.

Oedipus Complex (sp?)

A to me:
" Mama, I wish I could marry you."


Today it's my birthday...da da da da da da.
I couldn't sleep and finally got out of bed. 1:30 am. So it is my birthday just by 1 1/2 hours. I went to sleep with Lover (husband) and it must have been around the usual mudnight hour whenI was hailed into bed by Ki (WAAAA MAMA!!). I keep waking up coughing. I just got ideas for X-mas gifts for my special Mama friends and I am quite excited. Something creative-fun for me- and something I know they will like and appreciate. Fun to think of that stuff and that I may actually find the time to do it.
It is raining. Great smell and sound. Hasn't rained in ages. Seems like a cleansing of sorts for a new year for me. I am 42 today. Not sure what I think about that. I do wish I didn't look like the over-weight, middle-aged, mini driving Mom I seem to look and feel like. But I know a lot of that has to do with how I feel and that energy will be felt by others.
Lover has surprised me by making dinner reservations for us tonight. I don't know where we are going. I can't rememeber the last time he did that. Very sweet! Other times it as been, where do you want to go?
S. called the other day and asked to take me out for breakfast today-so I a looking forward to feeling celebrated. Mom will be home with the kids.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Mommy Points-a big loss

I figure we earn and loose Mommy (or Daddy) points as a parent.
One of my larger point losses to date was my over-sleeping (read kids were awake watching TV)and getting my son to school late on picture day. He missed the class photo, and I hadn't filled out or brought the for for him to order class or individual pics. :-(

Some points are lost just for daily survival means.
Both my kids are playing soccer. My son is The Killer Bees (yellow and black) my dtr is the Bumble Bees (yellow and black). Inevitably minutes before the game I cannot locate to appropriate pieces of the uniform. I have become the bait and switch artist. Todays clean laundry yielded 2 clean jerseys (1 each) one pair of black shorts and 1 pair of the requisite yellow socks. Dress A in his shirt and "the" black shorts and "the" yellow socks, go to his game. Come home have him change out of uniform. Give Ki her jersey and "the" socks and shorts. No one notices. No harm, no foul. How many years am I going to be able to pull that off? How many people do I actually admit this to?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Bladder Infection

A four year old girl's description and experience of a bladder infection.

5:00 pm
"Mama, I have to go potty."
5:10 pm
"Mama, I have to go peepee."
5:12 pm
"Mama, I have to go peepee again"
"Mama, the peepee is hot."
"Mama, my bagina (see prior post for definition) hurts when I go peepee."
"Mama, I'm in here going peepee."

For those in the medical field that would be "frequent urination with urgency and burning".

Fall weather and speech therapy

There are more seasonal colds with the onset of October. Inevitibly this also means that all the little guys I see for therapy are therefore much more interested in hugs and kisses. How can anyone turn down an affectionate offering from these sweet boys? Perhaps all the affection delivered boosts my immune system beyond normal capacity, I rarely get sick.

New pet

I am obsessed with getting a pet guinea pig, or 2.
More to come.

Burps and Toots

Burps and toots (farts).
Nothing is funnier to my 4ish and 6ish aged children. I hear the words burp and fart countless times a day. Then I have to bust out the "It is not nice to use potty talk. If you want to use potty talk, then you'll have to go to the potty." Good thing I never burp or toot myself.

Monday, October 03, 2005


There is a direct correlation between the cost of your pedicure and when you smudge it.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


I must hear at a hundred times a day from Ki. Must be another 4 year-old-phase.

Monday, September 26, 2005

IEP and OT Goals

We have an IEP meeting tomorrow. It is amazing to me that we the parents, 2 therapists, are put into a position to feel that we need to fight for appropriate, quality therapy services. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and outraged that some professional colleagues operate this way. And I feel pissed that the school districts push them to operate this way by giving them caseloads consisting of a buttload of kids (a buttload is a lot).
ps. "buttload" come up on the spell check. I guess that is not an approved word.

Only "shit" is approved.
The recommended replacement for "fuck" is "Fuji". Atleast it is a capitalized word.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Fout Year Olds

Teacher P. talking at the co-op preschool last night. "Four year olds are very interested in identifying and categorizing boys vs girls."
Kianna last week while we were riding in the car,
"Mama, you and I have baginas (vaginas). Alex has a penis."
Me, "That's true."
Kianna,"Marg and Sandrini (my firends) have baginas too."
Me, "That's true too."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How Great Is My Job

How great is my job that I get paid to enjoy, play with, and often hug some of the most beautiful little boys in the world.

Monday, September 19, 2005

What is that you're eating?

Today I took my son, A, to run a couple errands directly after school. A step up for me from letting him gaze at the glow of the tv for too long. We went to the library and got some books (I got books for him and he dinked around). Then we went to my favorit coffee drive-thru. The best latte in town, cold or iced! Well he asked for something. Usually I don't get him anything because it will become "routine" for him in his little "I love routine" kind of mind. "Routine" in this case can mean: if I did it once in that order and it was something I liked, then I will certainly expect event B to follow event A again next time! Well I felt bad he was asking for something when he hadn't had a snack or drink yet. So I got him a kid sized Italian soda. Well $2.00 and 3 blocks later it was already gone! Geee, I get to look forward to a big hooha next time when I try to say no.

Next we went to Pet Co. Did you know they have a dog biscuit bar laid out that looks like a fully loaded salad bar for dogs? Or well not just for dogs. They have "dog biscuits" that look like chocolate chip and oreo cookies. That's right, A wrapped up his snack there by stealing back to the "cookie bar" every chance he got. I looked over at one point and his cheeks were just packed full. He just cracks me up. There was no telling him those were dog biscuits. Dog biscuits were abviously at the end of the bar in the shape of a bone, and he wasn't eating those.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


My son has taken up stuttering.
He has developmental delays (especially language), poor attention, ASD tendencies and more. And now he has thrown in stuttering. It seems almost comical. To my knowledge the above and stuttering are not even things that cross over much in diagnosis. For example, ASD and ADD/ADHD together in the same individual. Not a big surprise. But MY son is fully capable of ripping yet another speech and language disorder out of his butt and sticking it on. Stuttering often has strong familial links. Nope, no stutterers in this family. Just beautiful A. who has a little bit of everything.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Reason #43 How I know I'm a mother

I had chapped lips today and all I could find to put on was pink lip gloss in a plastic child's ring that came out of a pinata.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Things I am grateful for

1. The library getting a new computer system and hence waiving over-due charges, ours were over $45.

2. The Peet's Coffee opening in Redwood City

3. naps

4. summer fruit

5. house cleaners

6. a good sense of humor

7. my son being invited to a birthday party

8. some of the magnificent women I am blessed to call my friends

9. licks 0n my chin from my dog

10. my practice being full

11. my children saying "I love you mama"

12. my mothers flexble and good humored nature

13. songs I know the words to

Sunday, August 21, 2005


My Mom had surgery for a bowel obstruction F night (now Sun night). Between some dementia already on board, surgery, morphin, anesthesiabeing 79 and lack of ETOH -she is confused. I have had patients in the past who were "fine" until they had a surgery and then never quite pulled it together again afterwards. I am concerned that Mom will not regain the cognitive skills she had. She already had a pretty significant short term memory loss. An example of her now- when asked today at dinner time how her incision was-she said she didn't have one. A tough thing to forget given the amount of pain it can generate.
The thing that is so strange is that her face looks great and she sounds so much like herself most of the time. I didn't fully realize before how much dementia is the robbing of a soul in the presence of an intact and beautiful package.
I hope that I will take her home from the hospital T, and fly to my home by the Bay next w/e (if all goes well physically for her). My gut tells me she will not again return to S. D. to live alone, as she will not be capable. I am sad and I am in the caretaker mode that is making me stay just above the murkiness.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Big girl Ki

I took Ki and we went and had lunch with the other SLP's at Special Hospital. We ate in the fancy dining room. There were white table clothes and a cloth napkin in your glass. Ki scaled into her chair and the waiter helped push her in. She then spontaneously took her napkin out of her glass to put it on her lap. She chatted a bit and pulled a piece of bread from the bread basket. She was perfectly behaved. She didn't even rip off one of her award winning burps! Really she can burp like 300 pound truck driver with no intention to do so. But my point is she is such a joy to spend time with lately. On M and W am's the last couple of weeks we have gone to Whole Paycheck in the morning and we get chocolate milk (her), coffee (me), and a banana muffin (both) and sit on the couch and read books. Such a sweet time. Also, I think it is that 4 is a great age. If most neurotypical (NT) kids were this easy-I would want more -if it weren't for the questionable gene pool and high risk factors Daddy K and I carry. But I digress. I feel a bit sad at times that this baby of mine is growing up. But I am so proud of her and the lovely caring soul she is.


Thanks to Mama L's suggestion I have now become a vendor for speech services for kids 1-3 years through GGRC. I love the little guys. Mama L has almost single handedly marketed and supported my business. At this point we are almost business partners! This will be a great venture.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Good Bye

On Sunday I got a phone call that my former boss at Special Hospital had died. I knew she was sick with cancer and no longer able to work, but I thought she'd be around longer. I guess most people thought she had a while longer. Just that day I had been formulating in my head-yet again-what I would say in the card I would send her.
I would say how much I appreciated her support when I was pregnant with twins and found out one of them was going to die. She told me I needed to do what I needed to do for myself and my job would be there. How I was able to take off 7 months with that pregnancy and the new life of Alex. How she worked with me to try and find a way to keep my job at part-time when it was evident I needed to resign to be with Alex. How she kindly tried to keep my pay level up when I switched to relief staff. How she was a good, fair leader. How she rememded me and others to be the best clinicians we could be. Somehow she managed to wade through the continual requirements for budget cuts and politics and still focus on evidenced-based practice. Her humor was great, her integrity strong. We swapped dog stories all the time- she had Gus I had Sierra. She told me I was different then any speech therapists she'd worked with before-and that was a compliment. I learned from her as a manager, she was my mentor during those years.
So sad am I that I never let her know all my thoughts. A life lesson I feel like I should have already learned-you just can't wait to let people know how and why you value and love them.

Dear K. I wish you much joy where ever you are. I will remember your clinical integrity, fair managerial style, easy-going nature and humor and try to incorporate them into my life in your honor. Thank you-

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The Quirky Kids Tribe

Sometimes I wish I could just live in the tribe of Families of Quirky Kids.
When I'm alone with BA in our home, or the home of someone in our tribe, he shines as the beautiful, talented and loving little guy he is. He is appreciated and adored for the wonderful essence that is his.
This is true for all the quirky angels I love and work with in my life.
It is when we go into public, and they do their quirky not-quite-right things that their lovely essence is squashed and submerged below the surface.
How comforting it is to enter and be in the tribe of people who dig below the surface and unearth the angel with-in the quirky kids.

The Unsolicited Advocate

Strange thing. I sent the post re: train store to Iron Door list and special families list serve. Some unknown person of unkown group advocating for individuals felt the need to follow up with the train store. He called them and explained that the kid (s) had disabilities and some other content. He never contacted me, just put out some e-mail that he had called them. Very odd. I purposely didn't put in the e-mail that kid (s) had learning diffs, b/c this was not the issue. They were icy the second we walked in the door with kids. Kids who look "typical". I think I should e-mail him. Seems easier to let it go...mmm..

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

How I Know I am a Mother

I just brushed my teeth with watermelon-flavored toothpaste.

Monday, August 01, 2005

swimming in public

I'm heading out to take the kids to the pool at an acquaintances house.
Just need to bitch that I hate being my fat self in public in a bathing suit.
Coupled with the whole debate on how best to sheer the ever creeping pubic hair...

re-thinking post

Well I feel I should say that for anyone who has not taken antidepressants-they don't change your personality. I think I have always been easy going and flexible by nature. It is strange to describe ones own nature. I mean what if you have some strange, obscure veiw of yourself?
Anyway, a good description I heard of antidepressants was that they make the low points in life (big or small) not feel as deep. The subject of antidepressants was brought up at a support goup for parents of special needs kids once-80% (atleast) were on them.

ps thanks to friends who read and posted or e-mailed me

Saturday, July 30, 2005


I sent an e-mail about the train store people to over 80 local families. My friend is going to forward it onto other local list-serves she is on.
Don't mess with my babies.

"You always seem so calm"

People tell me that
Well, drugs can do that, make one look calm with a sense of composure.
Actually, lately I don't think I have enough anti-depressants on board.
I don't drink-but I can see why a parent would want to down a glass of wine around the witching hour before dinner.

Anyway-sometimes I feel like the Jeckle and Hyde of mothers.
Alternating between providing warm, supportive, educational interactions and then wanting to rip my kids head off. Really I think people would be shocked to know just how nasty I can sound. mmmm...

Friday, July 29, 2005

Ah but there is always the love of the community

My girlfriend and I decided to meet at the model train store in RWC with our kids. Her son, 4 , and my kids 4 and 6. Both of our boys are ASD type kids with short attention spans and a dear love for trains. A fun way to spend some time...or so we thought.
Immediately after entering the older couple who appear to own it asked, "What do you need." More of an inquisition than customer service. Instantly they were on us "to control" our kids b/c they have "very expenisive things there". At one point The gentleman yelled at little M,"NO running". We were there under 3-5 min. My Mama friend said to him, " You do not need to yell at my son, he hears fine." He retorted, "Oh, so you don't want me to yell at your kids if you can't control them".And in all actuality while they were not being perfect, they were doing well in the store. They even appeared "typical". Which is partly the frustrating part. Next thing we know the man opens his store door and asks us to leave. Our families then stood in front of the store talking. They then came out to ask if we wanted to see a picture of a child who had gotten hurt when she fell into one of there glass cases. (I guess they keep it handy for entertainment sake).I delned the offer. They were very agitated with the fact that we stood infront of the store and came out 2 times to further argue. There discontent with our presence there of course made us want to set up camp for the night.
Of course on the way home I then got to experience the pleasure of a meltdown on the part of my son who wanted to see the trains. Yet again demonstrating for me that I my kid is out of control. Now they did not know our kids were "special". I think if they did they would have stood in front of the door and barred us from entering even initially. "Those type of children should probably stay home locked in their room so they don't break anything or upset anyone." I can just see that as their philosophy.

The thing that really pisses me off is that I tie it back to A and his deficits and it makes me feel sad and lonely. Just like any event where he falls apart in public, which ironically he did not do here. I am angry at them for making the other Mama-or just me-feel badly about our sons. Of course given my prior post and the fact that my husband is out of town-I am not in the best of spots.

How ironic is it that ASD individuals (children and adult) love trains. I will not return to this store ever. And as I told the owner we will let others know of their hospitality.

I just have this feeling that karma will pay-off and one day I'll go to work at the hospital and the patient will be an older man who owns a model train shop who is now unable to speak because of his stroke.

I'm so #@&*^ pissed!

I just got off the phone with Shirley, A's aide from last year at school. She told me the whole process was based on seniority and # of hours worked previously. All union and ease driven. Nothing about the aide wanted other than some nameless description of a child " a boy in 1st grade at Roosevelt for a 6 hour aide". Certainly nothing about who the child is, their needs or who or what had worked for them in the past. I have always tried to stay positive with this educational system. I see parents who are jaded, negative and agressive. The "the school district (meaning all) will always try to screw you." I don't like that and I don't want to become that. But this is fucking rediculous. I hate conflict and I resent that they put me in this position again. I end up looking like the whining bitch. I know when I breathe deep that this may work out just fine, this guy who is supposed to be his aide-not that they notify me or anything-will work out fine.
I just hate the fact that you are already trying to deal with a kid who has difference and then you have to go throught this.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Baby A

Oh baby A
I love you
You're a good boy
It is true
You have big blue eyes
and golden curls
Oh A. I love you

B.A.-my song I sang to you as a baby and now

The Dream

As is often the case in the middle of the night, I was asleep in Ki's bed. "Mama," the said in a calm but slight ly excited voice. "I just had a dream about us."
"You did?" I asked in a now more alert state. "What happened in the dream?".
"You and I flew up into the sky."
The next day I asked her if she remembered having a dream and she said yes she did. That I was driving and I drove us upinto the sky. I asked if there were any other peopel or things and she said no. I'll haveto look this one up in the dream interpretation book. It's the first time Ki has ever talked about a dream.

Friday, July 01, 2005


My friend B. is the wonderful mother of 2 boys, ages 5 and 20 months. The older son has special needs. Following a divorce that was not her idea initially she met a great guy who has 2 boys ages 4 and 6. All has been good and the 3 guys recently moved in. Yes, that's right 4 boys 6 and under. One with special needs and another who out grew a label. A repaireman recently dropped by and said "Nice daycare you got here!". Yesterday when we were over the oldest boy paid Alex, Kianna and I a compliment by saying that we should also move in, we just need to get more bunkbeds.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sometimes you get a break

I have to say I am quite pleased! I got a call today that a woman is available to take care of the kids part-time this summer. This allows me to work at Iron Door and work at home without kids there. Also , gives me a break from kids and a chance for them to do more stimulating things than watch TV-especially Alex.
So get this-my babysitter/nanny/tutor has 2 masters, one of which is in speech therapy. You read that right AND I am paying her $12 an hr. She is Canadian and can't legally work until her green card arrives. Lucky me her dates correspond with mine. I will try and make it beneficial to her by letting her look at and copy any of my materials and perhaps observe some sessions with family/client approval, because I like to be nice and because I feel quilty. Oh sigh of relief...

Friday, June 17, 2005


Ki you are my joy. My 4 yr old girl. Just had an IEP and she was discharged from all services (speech/language and social skills). Most language skills now in 75th% for kids her age, up from the 25th% she lived at for her first few years of life, coupled with extreme shyness and social defensiveness/fear. The therapist saif as we were leaving, "She's going to be quite a woman." Yes she is, yes she is.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

For all the mamas

I feel your worries, fears and fatique
...a new diagnosis...concerns about the sibling...another family member qualifying for regional center services...the label "retarded"...
It seems spring has showered your hearts with more concerns
I have had them and held them and also tried to shed them
I wish for you deep breaths and knowledge of friendships
and quiet peaceful moments here and there

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Reasons to keep my fat belly

I keep it for my childen
They find great comfort and joy in my belly
It is the sounding board for their endless raspberry concerts
There is no end to the hunt for the treasure at the bottom of my belly button
There would be nothing to ooze out between the top and bottom portions of a tankini
I can mold it into various shapes and characters
Most of all, it is a mound of warmth often secured for snuggling