Friday, November 25, 2005


Well really the late night/early morning after. I am awake and still writing, my 4th post or so.

Holidays with us are a strange mixture of family. It has gotten progressively smaller over the years as family members from Lover's side have passed on. This year it was Lover, myself, Ki (age4) A (newly age 7), my mother, Lover's Dad "The General" and Lover's brother, Felix, Aunt M. All live locally except Mother who is here visiting almost monthly. Let me introduce the characters.
Ki-excited loves to cook, easily entertained and entertaining.
A-difficult to strip form the TV. Occasionally tearing through various rooms spin dancing and/or vocalizing loudly. Learning differences and behavior challenges increasing of late.
Lover-so pleased to have his brother, Dad, wife and Kids together. Knows I don't like his Dad a whole lot, but unaware (or choosing not to be aware) that I really don't enjoy these holiday gatherings much.
Mother-losing the battle to Alzheimers/dementia. Repeating yet again the question "what time is dinner?" as she pours another glass of wine.
The General-named by me and the name has stuck. Not b/c he was ever in the military but b/c he barks out orders and expects the rest of the world to jump into action. Historically what his family has done. This sexist, racist, egocentric, narrow minded man has been the patriarch for a couple generations. Appropriately, he has never seemingly been bothered by this nick name b/c I think he revels in it, missing the whole point, but supplying ample view of his character. I try to avoid conversation should he dive onto one of his soap boxes about his thoughts on the way the world should be (see above themes).
Felix, named by me b/c he is a bit fastidious and neat. Something one is not who has small children. He rarely talks or spontaneously greets people. I mean he rarely talks to me, and I have known him about 15 years. He is incredibly socially impaired (a likely link to A and Ki's social deficits, but I digress). So, not to exciting to have around. For the most part he and the General park themselves infront of the TV and watch football until called to the table for dinner.
Aunt M-Lives alone at 94 years old! A bit deaf but sharp as a tac! We just don't have a lot in common. She is the sister of The General's mother, so a great aunt to kurt and great great aunt to the kids. My God that is old.
Me- A bit pissy. 42 tomorrow. Not always pissy, just a bit on holidays. It's just not a lot fun. I realize I need to do something to change that. I cooked my ass off today. My choice. I didn't want to buy pre-made food-to his credit The General offered to buy from Safeway. But you can't do that on Thanksgiving! But I then end up saying one or two sentences during the whole meal while The General dominates the conversation (as always) with hunting stories/topics or talks about himself. He sits on his ass the entire time NEVER lifting a finger, and Felix hardly does either. I mean not even taking his plate to the sink.
Today I made (and I just have to list this here to be a bit pissy):
cornbread from a mix-with Ki
cranberry relish-with A and Ki (a tradition)
pumpkin pie-made by Lover and Ki, an activity she was looking forward to, I supervised
tortilla soup-for lunch with above cast of characters
stuffing-with the cornbread from earlier
turkey-Lover did most, but I carved
mashed potatoes
glazed carrots
stock (from the leftover turkey carcass) for soup
Kurt did help out a bunch, as did Mom.
I have feel a bit sad that the holidays are not filled more with a feeling of love and laughter than tolerance and compromise on my part. I miss the days of me, Mom, and various other friends (T.L., Andre quite often). More laughter and joy then. I would have loved to have spent time with some other friends today, or had others over here. But I never want to put others thru spending time with this socially awkward crowd. I guess if I warn them and put The General at the other end of the table-perhaps that would be okay.
I think the reality is that I need to not spend all day cooking and find some activities to do with kids and Mom and feel thankful for having them here.

In hind sight I am feeling a bit like an ungrateful bitch here. The General and Felix brought me a nice birthday gift of a J Jill gift certificate and another surprise still in the mail (I think the wool clogs in LL Bean I told Lover about). Aunt M gave me $50 for my bday-and Lover and I another $50 for Thanksgiving and A $50 for his bday!
BUT, in my defense this does represent thoughts from a number of holidays.
Piss piss. Ki awake awhile ago and is asleep beside me on the couch. She woke up crying (as usual) and said, "Where is the pumpkin pie!?"Funny really in that all she eats is the whip cream on top.
It is now 3:15 am. I should go to sleep. It felt good to download all this from my head.

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