Lots in my head and heart.
Aj is 9 tomorrow.
-as he ages, the differences between he and his peers becomes more apparent.
I feel sad.
Someone pushed him down at soccer practice today.
-I always go to the fact that it is because he is different and that this boy wouldn't have done this to the other team mates.
I feel sad and angry.
Aj is yelling and calling me names and homework can be a struggle. He hit Ki again.
-I yell and scream. Ki cries.
I feel angry at him, angry at me, frustrated, guilty, and emotionally fatigued
I am holding a prescription for ADHD medication for AJ. Pops and I have had it for a week. I am having a tough time taking that in to be filled. I never wanted to put him on meds. Intellectually, I think it is a good idea. But emotionally, I am having trouble. I didn't see this coming.
-I feel surprised and sad
Yesterday was part 3 of AJ's triannual IEP.
I went postal.
I lost my head and had an out of body raging experience in front of 7 other people.
Let me restate here that I am not exaggerating. It was ugly. Really, really ugly. People who, I think, use to respect me. Now, surely think I am nuts.
It has been over 24 hours since and I still have a headache. I don't think that the relationship with his teacher can be repaired. Given that AJ's b-day is tomorrow, I am not sure how I am going to get the treats to his classroom without having to interact with her.
-I feel angry, sad, deceived, embarrassed and somewhat hopeless about how I will get through the school year with this teacher. So many tears and heaviness.
Pops is an angel. The other blessing in all this are the friends I have. Friends who get it because they live in the same type of fun-house I do, -or at least friends who hold me in my sadness. Last night after IEP I went over to jennyalice's house and sobbed. I had to tell her first that no one had died or was hurt, but that I was just so very sad. I just couldn't go home. the kids would notice how awful my face looked from crying. And I just could not face the evening madness, the constant question repetition from Granny. I went home before kids bedtime and went to sleep with them in our bed. I love sleeping with my kids. I have slept a huge number of hours and still feel so tired. Emotions are so tiring.
What am I going to do tomorrow with the damn rice krispie treats for AJ's classmates?