Wednesday, November 07, 2007


Lots in my head and heart.

Aj is 9 tomorrow.
-as he ages, the differences between he and his peers becomes more apparent.
I feel sad.

Someone pushed him down at soccer practice today.
-I always go to the fact that it is because he is different and that this boy wouldn't have done this to the other team mates.
I feel sad and angry.

Aj is yelling and calling me names and homework can be a struggle. He hit Ki again.
-I yell and scream. Ki cries.
I feel angry at him, angry at me, frustrated, guilty, and emotionally fatigued

I am holding a prescription for ADHD medication for AJ. Pops and I have had it for a week. I am having a tough time taking that in to be filled. I never wanted to put him on meds. Intellectually, I think it is a good idea. But emotionally, I am having trouble. I didn't see this coming.
-I feel surprised and sad

Yesterday was part 3 of AJ's triannual IEP.
I went postal.
I lost my head and had an out of body raging experience in front of 7 other people.
Let me restate here that I am not exaggerating. It was ugly. Really, really ugly. People who, I think, use to respect me. Now, surely think I am nuts.
It has been over 24 hours since and I still have a headache. I don't think that the relationship with his teacher can be repaired. Given that AJ's b-day is tomorrow, I am not sure how I am going to get the treats to his classroom without having to interact with her.
-I feel angry, sad, deceived, embarrassed and somewhat hopeless about how I will get through the school year with this teacher. So many tears and heaviness.

Pops is an angel. The other blessing in all this are the friends I have. Friends who get it because they live in the same type of fun-house I do, -or at least friends who hold me in my sadness. Last night after IEP I went over to jennyalice's house and sobbed. I had to tell her first that no one had died or was hurt, but that I was just so very sad. I just couldn't go home. the kids would notice how awful my face looked from crying. And I just could not face the evening madness, the constant question repetition from Granny. I went home before kids bedtime and went to sleep with them in our bed. I love sleeping with my kids. I have slept a huge number of hours and still feel so tired. Emotions are so tiring.

What am I going to do tomorrow with the damn rice krispie treats for AJ's classmates?


  1. i love you so much my dear friend. I hope today goes okay. There was not much of a relationship with that teacher before the "crazy lady" episode as I am wont to call it. Remember the words you said were's just possible that there was a better way to deliver them. It is possible that this was the only way you were going to be heard.

    Things will smooth out again. My great-grandmother, Blanch Alice, quoting King Solomon, used to say "This too shall pass." I heard it a lot growing up.

    You've never done this before Sage. We are all learning. You are doing great considering we have no textbooks or directions.

    Let me know if I can help with anything.

    I bought a new box of peppermint tea, should there be a follow-up meeting :)

  2. Oh Judy, I am so sorry you had to go through this. I'm sure the teacher fully deserved whatever you dished out, but I'm sure it wasn't fun delivering it... nor dealing with it after.

    Hope the next day went ok. I'm out of reach tomorrow (friday), but feel free to call and vent Saturday. knowing you, whatever was said and done must have been quite evil to provoke you like this. perhaps we need some sort of protection amulet for you in future dealings with this woman. kind of like a cross against vampires...


  3. I am so, so, so sorry. I was just re-reading your CISWY story and thinking what a funny wonderful person you are; but even funny wonderful people have their limits and it was probably good for that awful teacher to see you reach yours. And I am so glad that you were able to go to jennyalice's and hide when you needed to.

    That teacher sounds like a useless fucking bitch. Can you switch AJ to another teacher?

    Please tell AJ that we love him and wish him the happiest belated birthday ever.

  4. Oh, crazy with a side of tears. We've done that! The folder gets stickered. (You know, somewhere in your kiddo's folder there is one for you and it has a sticker on it so anyone who lls it only has to look at the sticker to either know what they're in for, or to make a judgment.)

    Sometimes tears and screaming are called for, I think. An awful lot is expected of moms of special needs kids, not the least of which is an impossible saintliness. Who can hold on to that in the face of negativity from people who are supposed to help?

    I've been through the different from others his age thing, too. It hurts so much! It's so unfair. I just try to remember that my son is very much like himself and as himself is a smashing success, and so is yours (and jennyalice's and Squid's...)