Thursday, October 08, 2009

My letter to little Grace's mama (see prior entry first)

Well this all sucks no doesn't it?

I had a life situation similar to yours on an odd level. But certainly not as scary-and I am not dismissing the potential madness of what you will going through for the next 6 months.
I don't know if I ever told you-many people know this story. Sorry if it is a repeat or feels like a downer.
At 8 weeks pregnant I found out I was pregnant with twins (surprise! You've been there, done that). It was my pregnancy with Aj. At 19 weeks we found out that his twin sister had non-functioning kidneys. We were told she might die in utero, which could throw me into early labor. Or that she would die during or following delivery. At 25 weeks or so I started contracting and was told to quite work and go on bed rest. They started doing "stress tests" every week on both babies. Basically, for weeks I knew I was going to give birth to a baby that would die. I also knew that there was a chance that the baby girl could die in utero and I could go into labor and he would be a preemie. Or that she could die and his blood supply could be altered at that time period. (That would cause brain damage in my book). He was receiving stress tests so there was general concerns about the whole pregnancy. After all that I was INDUCED at 38 weeks. So you know my big guy and know that he is here. (Are his issues related to the pregnancy-I do not think so. Not when you meet our other quirky family members!)

Anyway, the part I get for you is the worry, sadness, fear, and playing-out-of-situations in your head that can eat you alive.
Trying not to totally succumb to that is the challenge.
It is hard to "cope" because you are not sure exactly what it is you are coping with, or if it is going to change.
I tried to tell myself I had to have faith that it will all be okay.
It became mantra in my head.
I tried to turn off the audio tapes in my head that played the "what if" scenarios.

Drugs. There are many of us out there that take antidepressants. Myself included. It can help and it doesn't mean you need to use forever.

Surround yourself by people who can listen to you and who get it.
You know-not the ones who say:
"I don't know how you do it"
"I couldn't manage everything you do and still be sane."
"God doesn't give you more then you can handle"
That only makes me want to say-
"I am barely "doing it" some days. I have to "do it" because the little faces
wake me day after day.
You only think I am sane because I haven't barfed the contents of my brain
into your naive ears.
And the God thing? If you even say that then your life has not yet had a crises.
And God was never really a parent.

Thinking of you.

Let me know if you want a visit or a chat-

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