Friday, July 10, 2009

July 9th

–day after surgery for Tanya
They eliminated the sedation and she remains minimally responsive. I was hoping she would wake up more-of course-but also so I could talk to her and feel like she knew I was there. She opened her eyes to her name and moved all 4 extremities, but not to my voice. She was not following commands and her eyes were blank. She is still on a ventilator, but is doing some breathing on her own, which is good. But in general, not good if she doesn’t start to rouse.
I have to believe that in her soul and subconscious she has stored memories that Amanda (who I have not met-but Tanya adores) and I were with her in this crazy time and that she heard us when we said she is loved by so many.
It is like I have stepped into a chapter of a different book in the trilogy of my life. In the past 5 to 10 years Tanya and I have not been all that close. Our lives became quite different with my marrying and having 2 kids, one with special needs, and my hunkering down in the life of family and work. We connected mainly annually at Christmas time.
I told her long ago that she should put me down as medical power of attorney. Andrea and Chess and I are listed. Andrea is one of my oldest friends (30 years, gulp) and while our friendship took a hiatus for a few years-we are “back together”, with this now more then ever. I think Tanya has brought us that as a gift. This chapter with Tanya and I is a reconnecting from the past really. It is my turn to put out love and effort for her like she did for me so many years ago. She took me on my 1st trip to Europe and was an excellent model for learning to travel. She helped me gain much of the confidence I needed to go across the country and tackle this situation alone, navigate an unknown city and crawl through a mammoth medical system. I am flying home now and I did things on this trip I have not done before and I learned. I ate dinner alone in downtown, explored a portion of the city alone and rode in a bunch of taxis. I chatted with drivers and got to know one of the shuttle drivers at the hotel. And I could see Tanya in myself as I did those things. I think she gave me those successful experiences.