Tonight I feel sad

In the last week or so and especially today I just can’t keep pushing it all away. It is there and big and in my face. Things are hard and sad here at home.

Aj has been so volatile lately. Pretty much daily episodes of screaming or raging. Some episodes worse then others, some days with a few.
Last week at basketball with Park and Rec he was distressed that his team lost and threw a bottle of gatoradie across the gym. When confronted by myself and someone from the gym to clean it up he just unhinged. Screaming, crying, trying to run away from me. I ended up wrestling with him on the gym floor while others looked on in shock. Fri night at a local church carnival the guy who was in charge of a jumpy-house thing told Aj to get out because he had jumped over a small wall. Aj went ballistic and ran screaming thru the fair and continued to yell as we walked him out tightly grasping his arm. It sounds like we have beaten him or are threatening to.

Now things are also happening at school. That use to be our safe zone-he was always the good kid that everyone enjoyed working with. He has pushed kids. Today he supposedly kicked a girl during soccer. He denies it was on purpose and is distressed because he said his aide doesn’t believe him. He was taken to the office and told no recess tomorrow. Pops said some kid said to him on the way out "Aj that was really mean". There is more to the story , but that is the gist.

He is a quirky guy. I was told that in third grade was when the other kids really notice. It is true.

Today I asked him what friend he would like to take to visit our friend Officer Bob. He said, "Ki."
I said, "Yeah, she'll go, but who did you want to bring?"
Aj, "No, I meant I'll bring Ki. She is my friend."

But really, it is because he has no friends. And now he really knows it. You see that is the definition of a "high level kid". It is a kid who can do lots of stuff but is aware that others don't want to play with them and that they are mocked and teased.

Most the time I am just pissy about Aj being so difficult to live with and how my Mom makes me crazy. Ki talked about how awful it was being here tonight with Granny, that she asks them the same silly questions over and over and she can't remember anything. Then she asked my why Granny can't remember anything. They have never asked that question. WE talk about that she has trouble remembering, but not why. Aj is obsessed lately with illness and death and so I chose not to talk to her about how Granny has dementia. It makes my heart scream out that this wonderful woman who is my mother is now a kooky old lady. That they will not truly know her witty, loving soul. Most of all I am sad for Aj because he needs all the love he can get and this is his only dotting grandparent and she is fading and he is only nine.

guilt, sadness, anger, self pity, over whelmed, despair, tears and snot